better clarity

I’ve spent the past few days speculating on the craziness of the past couple weeks.  Last night, I spent some time on the phone with a good friend trying to figure out something, anything.  At that point, all I’d gotten from St. Elmo were texts and brief emails in no logical or particular order from which I could formulate an accurate or even somewhat correct idea of what was going on in his head.

St. Elmo and I finally spoke on the phone late last night.  Surprisingly on my part, as I tend to be hyper-emotional, I didn’t cry.  I think that just stemmed from feeling more flabbergasted by what was going on than actual hurt.  The talk was good.  It got a tiny bit heated, not to the point of raised voices or anything, but more just exasperation and frustration.

He wanted to make it clear that our breaking up was a completely separate issue from the Ex.  I told him that I believed the two were intertwined, per his messages to me (I’ll get to that later).

He said that prior to our DC trip, he’d started feeling like there was some disconnect between us.  My memory is shot-to-shit, but I do remember him saying that a few times before.  He said it was at that time, he began thinking that we may not have the long-term potential he once thought.  He mentioned that we differed on certain fundamentals (our personality, our independence, our communication styles), all of which I agreed.  Where we disagreed is how he believed that the differences were detrimental.  I thought, think, yes, we are different in many ways, but if we could identify certain things then you know how to deal/adapt to them.  Simply, I didn’t see it as a clear-cut case of those differences being a bad thing.  Perhaps those are my delusions, but whatever.  We’d no doubt jumped in the deep end without thinking with our relationship.  We got caught up in the momentum (totally).  We felt strong feelings fast.  Very fast.  I think the speed at which we went, I didn’t see or recognize things that were wrong.  I will take blame for that.  He mentioned a couple of issues a month, two months ago, and I do take full blame for not dealing with them as I should have.  One of my good friends actually called me out on that Tuesday night when she came over to console me after the break up was set in stone.  She told me point-blank to my face that I was wrong in that situation.  I agree.

But anyway, he had started to feel this way prior to DC.  I asked him why did he not broach the topic then and he said we’d planned this DC trip and didn’t want to cast a shadow over it.  OK, I kinda get that.  I will give him the credit that all this shit started to hit the fan right after DC, so the timeline actually matches.

Now onto the Ex topic.  He assured me that he is NOT moving in with her.  NOT going back into a relationship with her.  And that she had nothing to do with the demise of us.  I asked him why would he tell me that he’s going back to her and why would he tell me that he’s moving in with her???  He said it was easier to just “yes” all the questions because he was getting frustrated with my emails (I will admit that I was exceptionally bitchy and condescending in the emails).  But seriously?  I told him that it was those words to me that made me fly off the handle and launch all attacks.  He should have been more clear and certainly not tell me that he’s in love with her (true or not).  [After speaking with him and thinking more about it, I don’t think he actually is in love.  And this is not me being delusional.  I think he got swept up in the emotions of our Sunday talk and came to an incorrect and irrational conclusion to how he felt.  He still has unresolved feelings for her, triggered by the alarm incident, but it’s not actual love.  But hey, what do I really know??].  I still believe, however, that he is afraid of being alone and has co-dependency issues.  That’s something he needs to work out.

So, we’ve actually had a couple apologetic, civil emails to one another this morning.  I still don’t think his actions were on the up and up and he could have handled the situation a lot better.  But my mind is in a better place.  I am coming to terms with the fact that we are over.  I am more at ease knowing (or at least thinking) that he is not returning to a toxic relationship.

I am an analytical person through and through.  I need all the facts and I will pick apart something to death.  It’s both to my benefit and detriment.  Getting the facts straight is so important.  That’s what I needed for me to move on.

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2 Comments

  1. All I can say is, all this really sucks. And to come at you pretty much out of the blue (even if, in retrospect, there are small signs) you still have the right to expect some higher level of commitment. Just please work on not letting this jade you in the long term. Obviously you need the time to greive this relationship but St. Elmo’s behavior is not typical of all men or any future relationship.

    • Thanks a lot. I hope it doesn’t jade me in the long term, but it’s just so hard, when I feel like I’ve had my heart stomped on every single year for the past 4 years. Once a year, 2008-2010, by Colossal Douche Bag, because I was a glutton for punishment and went back to him twice after we broke up. Obviously there were reasons for the breakups and they didn’t disappear overnight. Then this is my 2011 heartbreak. I just don’t know how much more I can take. And frankly, I’m just tired. Tired of trying to date, tired of the frustration of dating, tired of trying to heal from broken hearts, tired of it all. <<I think that is the exhaustion in me talking. But, seriously, I'm TIRED.

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