the next stop on emotional rollercoaster…grieving

I have two sides.  First and foremost, I am analytical.  Very logical and practical.  Secondly, I am emotional.  When it comes to people or causes I care deeply about, I am hyper-emotional.  I cry, I lash out.

For much of this week, it has been mostly the analytical side of me that has been in the driver’s seat, although the emotional side showed, too.  I was looking for the logic in what was happening.  I needed as many facts and details I could gather to come to an informed conclusion.  That’s just how I am.  Even if I don’t like what I hear, I have to hear it.  It’s the unknown that makes me uneasy.

Now that I logically know that this relationship is over and had to end (for the better, I have to keep telling myself), the emotional side is rearing its ugly head.  I’m feeling more sad and weepy.  I had a breakdown last night and cried.  I know it’s normal and it’s a step I have to endure, but it just hurts.  It fucking hurts like hell.  I miss him.  I miss what we had.  Before, I could talk about this and not get too emotional.  I can’t do that anymore.  The mere thought of it all brings tears to my eyes.  I’m entering the grieving process.  And it royally sucks.  Now I want to withdraw.  Hide away.  Not be social.  Not talk.  Not do anything.  Except write and sleep.

Today I am returning the Anthropologie dress I bought when we were walking around Georgetown in DC.  I broke down in tears last night as I gathered the receipt and packed the dress in a shopping bag.  I bought it because when I tried it on for St. Elmo, he told me how beautiful I looked and how the dress was made for me.  There is no way I can wear it now.

Hey, some of you might be happy to know that I’ve eaten almost half a bagel this morning.  This is pretty big.  I’ve pretty much been only eating an apple and an orange every day.  Coffee for breakfast, orange for lunch, apple for afternoon snack, water for dinner.  The result?  I’m down to 119.5 lbs.  From 129 lbs in late February (the last time I weighed myself).  When I saw the 129, the intention was to lose 10 lbs.  I’m almost there.  Not in the way I intended, but it’s a small victory.  And I’ll take any I can at this point.  Food still holds no appeal to me.  I’m supposed to meet friends for lunch today and then for dinner.  I know I’ll order something, but wind up picking at it, not really eating anything.  I know I need to force myself to eat, because I need the fuel, especially if I want to run (and I have a 4-mile race on Sunday morning).  I know not eating isn’t good for me.  I’m not getting the proper nutrients my body needs.  I’m literally starving myself.  My health will suffer.  I know this.  It’s just the thought of eating turns my stomach.  But I’m trying to take small steps.  The half bagel was a small step.  Hopefully, I can add another small step every day until I am eating normally again.

This morning, I listened to my “break-up mix” (aka Mix 2 on my iPod).  I suppose it’s a good thing I never deleted it.  Of course, the two songs that resonate most to me…

“My Happy Ending” Avril Lavigne

Lets talk this over
It’s not like we’re dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something you said?

Don’t leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything
That I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be
But we lost it

All of our memories so close to me
Just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

(Oh, oh, oh, oh)
So much for my happy ending
(Oh, oh, oh, oh)

(Oh, oh, oh, oh)

You’ve got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I’m difficult
But so are they

But they don’t know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do?

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything
That I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be
But we lost it

All of our memories so close to me
Just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

It’s nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one

It’s nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

He was everything, everything
That I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be
But we lost it

All of the memories so close to me
Just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

**************************

“Fighter” Christina Aguilera

After all you put me through
You’d think I’d despise you
But in the end I wanna thank you
‘Cause you made that much stronger

Well, I thought I knew you
Thinking that you were true
Guess I, I couldn’t trust called your bluff
Time is up, ’cause I’ve had enough

You were there by my side
Always down for the ride
But your joy ride just came down in flames
‘Cause your greed sold me out in shame, mmm hmm

After all of the stealing and cheating
You probably think that
I hold resentment for you
But uh uh, oh no, you’re wrong

‘Cause if it wasn’t for all
That you tried to do
I wouldn’t know just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you

‘Cause it
Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter

Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Never saw it coming
All of your backstabbing
Just so, you could cash in on a good thing
Before I’d realized your game

I heard you’re going ’round
Playin’ the victim now
But don’t even begin feelin’ I’m the one to blame
‘Cause you dug your own grave

After all of the fights and the lies
Guess you’re wanting to hurt me
But that won’t work anymore
No more, uh uh, it’s over

‘Cause if it wasn’t for all of your torture
I wouldn’t know how to be this way now
And never back down
So I wanna say thank you

‘Cause it
Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter

Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

How could this man I thought I know
Turn out to be unjust, so cruel?
Could only see the good in you
Pretended not to see the truth

You tried to hide your lies
Disguise yourself through
Living in denial
But in the end you’ll see
You won’t stop me

I am a fighter
(I’m a fighter)
I ain’t gonna stop
(I ain’t gonna stop)
There is no turning back
I’ve had enough

Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter

Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Thought I would forget
But I, I remember
Yes I remember
I’ll remember

Thought I would forget
But I remember
Yes I remember
I’ll remember

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8 Comments

  1. Grey Goose, Dirty

    Just sending you some ((hugs)) from AZ, Amy. It will get better …. I promise.

    And yes, I’m very glad you ate 1/2 a bagel. Baby steps, right? 😉

    • Thanks, Grey. I just ate some soup (surprisingly after last week’s food poisoning nightmare) and a few bites of salad. One more baby step…

  2. Hugs also from AZ (at least until tomorrow). Might I suggest you add Adele’s “Rolling In the Deep” once you get to the anger stage.

    • Thanks, Click, that’s a really good one to add to the mix.

      • Actually, this song got me through before… “Better in Time” Leona Lewis

        It’s been the longest winter without you
        I didn’t know where to turn to
        See somehow I can’t forget you
        After all that we’ve been through

        Going coming thought I heard a knock
        Who’s there no one
        Thinking that I deserve it
        Now I realize that I really didn’t know
        If you didn’t notice you mean everything
        Quickly I’m learning to love again
        All I know is I’m gonna be OK

        [Chorus:]
        Thought I couldn’t live without you
        It’s gonna hurt when it heals too
        It’ll all get better in time
        And even though I really love you
        I’m gonna smile cause I deserve to
        It’ll all get better in time

        I couldn’t turn on the TV
        Without something there to remind me
        Was it all that easy
        To just put aside your feelings

        If I’m dreaming don’t wanna laugh
        Hurt my feelings but that’s the path
        I believe in
        And I know that time will heal it
        If you didn’t notice boy you meant everything
        Quickly I’m learning to love again
        All I know is I’m gonna be OK

        [Chorus:]
        Thought I couldn’t live without you
        It’s gonna hurt when it heals too
        It’ll all get better in time
        And even though I really love you
        I’m gonna smile cause I deserve to
        It’ll all get better in time

        Since there’s no more you and me
        It’s time I let you go
        So I can be free
        And live my life how it should be
        No matter how hard it is I’ll be fine without you
        Yes I will

        [Chorus: X2]
        Thought I couldn’t live without you
        It’s gonna hurt when it heals too
        It’ll all get better in time
        And even though I really love you
        I’m gonna smile cause I deserve to
        It’ll all get better in time

  3. I think the weight loss is the only positive thing about a break-up, and then it usually doesn’t last either since most of it is fluid as you dehydrate. But I know from experience there is nothing you can do about it, you can’t force yourself to be hungry.

    Wallow in your misery, be sad, cry, and do what you need to do. We all have our own grieving process.

  4. I do the EXACT same thing with a break up so I know how to feel. I’m so sorry; I wouldn’t wish this kind of pain on anyone.

    I’m not someone who shares songs, but this one really hits the spot.

    As Far As I Can Tell by Restless Heart

    As far as I can tell, we’re near the end
    I know the feeling well, so I don’t pretend
    Another night alone, you’re in my dreams
    Say it isn’t so and never leave

    Oh, why do i have to let you go
    I’ll try to tell myself in time I’ll fall in love with someone else

    This heart of mine, I know it well
    It won’t stay broken forever
    In time I’ll pull myself together
    I’ll be alright as far as I can tell

    As far as I can see there’s nowhere left to turn
    We’re never gonna be the way we were
    Oh, why did I let you lead me on
    You lied, you broke my heart,
    You left me standing out here in the dark

    This heart of mine, i know it well
    It won’t stay broken forever
    I don’t need your arms to run to
    I can learn to live without you

    These eyes of mine, they finally see
    You never really cared for me
    I’ll pull myself together
    I’ll be alright as far as I can tell

    The saddest part of love is when you watch it walk away
    There’s nothing you can do, just try to hold on and be strong
    Someone else will surely come along

    This heart of mine, I know it well
    It won’t stay broken forever
    One day soon I’ll feel much better
    Nothing ever lasts forever
    In time I’ll pull myself together
    I’ll be alright as far as I can tell

    • Pam, that is a great one and every word rings true. Ugh, damn heartbreak!

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