wtf dating profile #1, part 3
And for the grand finale. This is copied/pasted exactly how it appears online. All disjointed. All over the place. No edits, except where I’ve added my commentary in green. Warning, it is profanity laced. I just couldn’t help it.
The myth of multitasking has spread to finding a mate. Reading while sitting in front your computer is less distracting than trying to focus on what’s not around the edges of your phone’s screen while walking down the street, dodging those pesky lightposts and obnoxious cars that always seem to pop up into your path. It’s rare to find someone with the presence of mind required to prevent the lifestyle ADD of the always-on, modern stimulus junkie mentality. Be good to your mind. Your brain will thank you (and reward you with clearer, stronger, better emotions and feelings leading to overall smarter decisions).
P.S. I write. Writing is enjoyable for me. This implies that you read. If reading is any more difficult for you than writing is natural for me, feel free to keep looking rather than reading.
P.P.S. Remember to mention my online dating name, and/or the super-secret password that you’ll easily find at the links above. This will give you an excuse to learn as much about me as you could possibly want to know before messaging me, while finding something to write about (or more likely, a few somethings worth writing about).
The journal is here, with a guide to the must-read entries: (click here) [I disabled these links. Contact me if you want them.]
Past profiles are here in case you want to see into the past: (click here)
Write me whenever you feel your fingertips start to move in this direction…
What I’m doing with my life
…wondering what motivates so many women to post their professional résumé in this box instead of their actual interests, hobbies, likes, loves, fascinations and curiosities.
Actually, I do know… at least, in many instances, their motives are crystal clear.
[So, you are pretty much doing nothing with your life. Ah, I see. But I suppose it would be against this site’s policies to state that you are perfecting your skills in making a human skin suit.]
Paraphrased from past profiles, with embellishments for the present:
– I don’t foresee having multiple lovers in the near future, if for no other reason than intentional lack of free time. If you have enough empty space in your life to see your desired gender as a form of disposable entertainment, you may have more pressing issues at hand than picking the perfect beau for yet another bout of meaningless romance. [I don’t see you having ANY lovers in the near or far future. At least not any that are still breathing. You don’t lack free time? You sure spent a shit ton of time writing this drivel. And a big fuck you, Judgy McJudgypants, if I happen to have free time. I’d rather have tons of “empty space” in my life than waste a minute in your presence.]
– privacy is not optional. [So, your victims’ heads will be on public display where? But seriously, what does this mean? I suppose there is no privacy when your head is in a freezer with a dozen others.]
– The price of beauty is the amount of time a man is willing to waste chasing after it. Fortunately, I also have other things to do. [Like skinning your victims. I’m sure that takes time.]
– We’re off to a running start if you recognize that “curvy” is intended to mean “hips”, not abdomen. [Shut up. Just shut the fuck up.]
– beautiful physicality and attractive personality are, as I am continually reminded, completely unrelated traits. Feel free to bring the two together to whatever degree suits you.
– an athletic, fit body is an effortlessly sexy body. Everyone was built to be an everyday athlete, within reason — depending on your reason.
– There is no such thing as “crazy, in a good way”. Sanity beats vanity every time. [No, there’s no such thing as “crazy, in a good way”…especially when it pertains to this fucking, bat-shit crazy profile.]
– be one of the few who can distinguish childlikeness (capacity to experience the fullness of wonder, emotion, and curiosity) from childishness (stubbornness, pettiness, the need to be “right” even when wrong — or when being right really doesn’t matter, blind following of authority figures and those have apparently higher social status).
– I’ve met more people who with deep psychological issues who were “sane” because they accepted themselves as they are now, than “normal” people who were obsessively striving for ideals of a happily ever after. [Of course, those with deep psychological issues think they’re sane. Mental illness can warp the brain and logical thinking. Are you referencing your asylum-mates here? Birds of a feather…]
– self-acceptance is the basis for change, not the seat of self-satisfaction and personal stasis.
– occasional self-contradiction is healthy. as a person outgrows old habits and beliefs Self-contradiction as a lifestyle, though, might be more accurately called delusion, or self-confusion.
– calling yourself a set of antonyms isn’t clever, it’s meaningless and shifty: a cynical optimist, a stubborn open mind, a sanely crazy person. These (obviously) don’t fit together, and it says more when a person tries to evade a question rather than simply leave it on the table for another time.
– you might say that the only thing I’m stubborn about is my distaste for stubbornness. [Distaste…funny, you mention that. I find this whole profile in massive distaste.]
– be human, not a social robot. It’s not “just a preference”: anyone who evaluates another person’s value based on their race, is a racist. Racism sucks.
– social status matching is a poor substitute for the potential richness of personal compatibility. Live beyond your tax bracket.
– compassion for other people matters. Given that, social darwinism (i.e. “if you’re poor, you deserve it”), sucks. Your cat doesn’t know the meaning of unconditional love. It’s not smart enough. Real love is for humans, not social robots, search algorithms or deceptively intelligent housepets. [My cat understands unconditional love, you fuckwit. She’s more human and intelligent than you and deserves more real love than you. People who believe animals don’t deserve love are the first to turn into sociopathic, serial killers. Amirite?]
Real love between consenting adults is always conditional — stemming from the fact that we are capable of making choices. This is a good thing. [Thank god, because under NO CONDITION would I ever consent to anything with you.]
– those who screech about needing “honesty” are usually the most skillful liars. Those who whine about being “sick of the games” are usually the most avid players. Those who live “one day at a time” are often the most afraid of the future. [I’m sorry, but by reading this profile, I would think a little whiny bitch wrote it.]
Antidote: be honest about lying (we all lie; the liar spins ever-tightening fabrications around herself about being honest); play games that we’ll both enjoy; and know why you wake up every day. Simple.
I’m really good at
…not bothering to suppress a chuckle when I read that a woman’s favorite film or novel is Fight Club.
The first things people usually notice about me
I could completely amaze you by revealing the secret of what men are really looking at when they compliment your “eyes”, “hair” and “smile”, but you know already — hence, the invention of the push-up bra. [The first thing that people notice about you is that you’re looking at their chest? Great, you’re a pig. Congrats.]
Women tell me that I’m beautiful and smart. Really. [Really? Really? Really??? I doubt it.]
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Womanly qualities condensed into keywords for the Cupidbot:
science: physics/biology/etc., math/mathematics, music/musician, geek/nerd, athlete/athletic, fit
non-smoker no drugs
single not married not separated no kids
omnivore vegan vegetarian
Not sure if I mentioned athlete/athletic, fit. Well, right then: athlete/athletic, fit. These come first. [Do you want an athlete/athletic, fit? You mentioned it THREE times in this section alone, you fucking repetitive douche!]
[How in the fuck are any of these things “books, movies, shows, music and food”? So, I take from this section that you don’t know how to read and follow simple directions.]
The six things I could never do without
art, science, music, learning…
…and answering questions, or not, however I choose. [I take from this section that you don’t know how to count.]
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m fairly massively not into casual sex. Never was. To be as pretentious, presumptuous and sanctimonious (this is actually an inside joke once you’ve read the journal and past profiles) about it as possible: sex could be compared to a duet, or performance by two artists for the pleasure of the act itself. You find each others’ rhythms, skills, likes and desires over time. [Oh, your self-description of being pretentious, presumptuous and sanctimonious is NO inside joke. That shit is crystal clear for everyone to see. And it makes you a colossal dick.]
That said, it’s important to actually start enjoying sex together as soon as possible so that you can: (1) start acting normal around each other without sex as some kind of forbidden topic or manipulative ‘lure’; and (2) find out how sexually compatible you really are. At least with me, that’s not a foregone conclusion. My eyes and mind might adore you while the rest of my body might not, and vice versa. [Skeeved. I’m 1,000% skeeved at the thought of sex with this person.]
Both (1) and (2) are necessary to build a satisfying sense of sexual tension, possibility and exploration that can last longer than three dates (any longer without sex and the attraction probably wasn’t there to begin with), six months (the ‘starting to get comfortable’ phase) or a year (the end of the ‘honeymoon’ phase where two people are no longer pretending to be the ideal romantic partner, in favor of simply acting like complementary individuals who enjoy each others’ mind, scent, taste and touch). [How long until you cut off their heads? Fourth date? And I assume that ‘the starting to get comfortable’ stage is simply when you have finished the fittings for the skin suits.]
My preference is to move through the honeymoon phase as quickly as possible while deepening our emotional connection and amplifying the pleasurable sexual tension… which is one of the purposes of having written so much upfront.
As written in a past profile, life is too short for a calendar full of first dates. The next step now is yours to take. [Life is most certainly too short…considering all the heads in your basement freezer and full body skin suits.]
I’m looking for
- Girls who like guys
- Ages 31–41
- Near me
- Who are single
- For long-term dating, short-term dating
You should message me if
…you realize that everything I’ve written here applies equally to me as to you.
…you can find something unique about yourself aside from your amazing freckles or the shape of your eyes.
…you’re not here for “friends”. When I signed up, the slogan read “the best dating site on Earth.” And that’s why I’m here. Re-read this paragraph if it’s not clear the first time around, before messaging me. I prefer to spend time, rather than waste it. [It’s a pity all the time wasted by everyone who read this. And, dear readers, I am sorry for putting you through this.]
…you’re not a self-help junkie. Few things are more creepy than those who deny reality in favor of “positive thinking”, all day, all the time, in every situation. [Few things are more creepy? Like this whole profile?]
…you’re not stubborn. If you’re stubborn, re-read this paragraph until you realize that the word does apply to you, in a non-congratulatory way. Stubbornness is a flaw, not a feature [I’m pretty sure that your laundry list of expectations and wants from a woman make you pretty fucking stubborn yourself.]
And If it doesn’t apply to you, well… we’ll see. [So, even if a woman doesn’t meet all your standards, her head will still suffice for your collection? Gotcha.]
…you’re an artist, scientist, and/or musician. This entails curiosity, playfulness and silliness, i.e. being childlike without being childish.
…you’re really single, meaning: not in a relationship, not married, not separated. Single.
…you know why you wake up every morning. This means that you have an emotionally compelling reason why, also known as a sense of purpose: one that fits you as a thinking, intelligent, creative individual human being. Compassion for yourself and others plays a role here.
…you honestly enjoy sex with someone you trust. You don’t need to “admit” this, because you know that sex is a normal, frequent occurrence among healthy human beings.
…you don’t have any unhealthy trust issues. In other words, you are (mostly) sane. [Ahahahahahahahah…he’s looking for someone ‘mostly sane’…hahahahahahhahah]
…you are as healthy as you can be and make time for your body — fitness and being an athlete in some way are important to you, as our bodies are made to move and you realize that.
…you are feminine: legs and underarms stay shaved, especially in anticipation of being touched… and you enjoy making healthy meals for yourself. I’m not looking for a man in a woman’s body… why would any man want that? From your perspective, I would imagine that you want a man in a man’s body. So I seek the same: a woman in a woman’s body. Fairly simple. [Right, he’s not looking for a “man in a woman’s body” because he will become a man in a woman’s body…once he completes his skin suit.]
He did not write anything about himself. But you can glean all you need to from the profile…like he ended it, it is “fairly simple”…he’s a fucking psychopath!
And yes, I judged, judged, JUDGED this profile and person up and down and right and left and back and forth. I think he deserved it.