dear a$$hat #1

Dear Asshat,

I hope you are happy.  Really, I do.  I hope your new wife is happy.  I hope you stay happy with one another forever.  Really, I do.  I say this because I remember what you always said to me, “When I get married, I will stay married.  Divorce is not an option.”  Well, those are certainly virtuous words to try to live by, but let’s think about this for a moment.  Not many people enter a marriage with the flippant notion that, “hey, if I don’t like you in 5 years, we’ll just get divorced!”  Nobody gets married wanting it to end in divorce.  I mean, I’m sure that some do, but come on, think about it, most (non-celebrities) don’t.  They enter marriage with every hope and dream of happily ever after, as in “til death do us part.”

Now let’s ask the roughly 50% of people whose marriages ended whether the belief  that “divorce is not an option” is a sensible one to hold.  The idea of sticking in a bad, unhappy marriage just makes no sense to me.  But what do I know?  I’ve never been married and therefore, never gone through a divorce.

Being that you hold this belief, it really surprised me that you jumped into a marriage (in which, in your own words, there is no out of) after knowing someone less than 7 months.  Now I want to believe that it was love at first sight and that you ‘just knew!’, but clearly, I’m a little more jaded than that.

You’ve known her for just over half a year.  Have you had a major blow out fight yet?  How do you know how each of you will act?  Have you shared some kind of big, notable event (excluding this wedding)?  Have you traveled together?  Have you gotten past the doe-eyed, fluffy puppy, unicorn, beginning of love stage?  Where the bloom begins to wear off a bit and you see the person as they really are (not on their best behavior).  Has she seen your critical, I-need-to-find-fault-in-you side?  Has she discovered that the constant attention lavished is really about how clingy and dependent you are?  Has she begun to wonder why you don’t have more friends?  Has she noticed that her life becomes your life?  Has she fully realized that she is going to have to fill every single role of anyone in your life?  Has she seen your severely insecure and needy side?  Has she figured out how thin-skinned you are to criticism, although you can dole it out like a pro?  Does she know about your past relationships and how/when they ended, and the truth, not what you perceive as reality?

Now I am beginning to really wonder about her sensibility.  After all, she showed up at the church.  And who knows, maybe she was the one to suggest or push getting married.  She could be equally as cray-cray.

I think you’re both nuts.  You both impulsively rushed into a marriage that, according to you, is for life.  I hope there is not a wee one expected, because, oh, hmm, that’s just dragging in a poor innocent.

So, yes, I hope you are both very happy.  And remain as such forever, because it’ll be a very hellish and miserable road in your “divorce is not an option” stance if the marriage winds up going down the shitter.

Your ex-girlfriend who is HUGELY thankful that I am just that and not your wife


  1. It’s interesting, isn’t it, how riled up we can get about people we don’t really care about anymore? By the time I got separated, I didn’t love my husband anymore and I barely liked him. And still it took me over a year to get over the break-up. But there is so much more involved, isn’t there?

    It wasn’t him that I had to get over, it was the marriage. It was the idea that I was no longer a married woman. That I did not have someone to grow old with. That I did not have anyone to turn to at the end of a movie to say it was great or it sucked. That I didn’t have someone to make plans with. That I didn’t have someone to take off with at the spur of the moment. That my house was suddenly empty.

    Three weeks after we separated, I found out he had moved in with a co-worker. I know – no matter how much he denied it – that he had cheated on me. I didn’t want him, I didn’t love him, and now I definitely didn’t like him. But I still had the capacity to be pissed at him! So many years later, I can still get upset about the stuff he put me through. I can still be judgmental about her and what kind of woman she must be that she thinks it’s okay to drink and drive a forklift at work. She thinks that’s funny. I don’t. They were apparently made for each other, but that doesn’t mean I’m happy for them.

    So why does it get under my skin so? Maybe it’s just a matter of justice. I was the better half of our equation (at least in my own mind). He was the dumb ass who ruined everything. What right does he have to be happy and oblivious to what an asshole he is?

    One of my favorite movie lines is from Twister, where the aunt says to her niece, Jo (who is there with her almost ex-husband and the woman he is now engaged to), “He didn’t keep his part of the bargain…to spend his life pining for you, and die miserable and alone.” And Jo says, “Is that too much to ask?” I don’t think so!

    • I totally understand where you’re coming from. I don’t want him at all, but why does he get to move on so quickly and easily and to boot, get married? I don’t want to marry him, but I want happiness, too. Not too much to ask for. And what gets under my skin and bothers me is the loss of the hopes and dreams that come with the relationship. I lost those. Sure, I can get them back, but I’m not (obvi) as quick to jump into a relationship as he is.

      Thank you so much for this comment. It’s reassuring, but distressing at the same time, to know that others feel similarly.

      And HELL NO, it’s not too much to ask for!!!!

      • You are most definitely NOT alone!

        I made the decision back then that I’d rather be alone the rest of my life than be in another relationship with a disfunctional person.

        And I almost still mean it.

        *just kidding – I definitely still mean it

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