dear st. elmo #4
I’ve been spending a lot of time ruminating over everything wrong with the two of us together. And it’s really kinda a downer.
Even if there are some days when I think my life would have been better/easier had I never met you, I don’t for one hot second regret everything we had and have gone through. I wouldn’t trade it. There are many times when I wish I could go through an Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind type reprogramming, but in the end, I want to remember. Because along with remembering all the bad (which is teaching me something), I can remember the good (which gives me hope).
There were certainly gifts and life lessons that came out of our relationship. The most important thing that came out of our relationship was simply love.
Our relationship showed me that I have the capacity to love and love deeply. It’s not that I haven’t loved before, but keeping someone at arms distance to save myself from future heartbreak was the way I operated. I wasn’t as open to let guys know how I felt about them. I didn’t let myself love someone – body, mind and soul – so completely.
Our relationship also showed me that I can receive love deeply. I had every self doubt regarding my capability to love and be loved. You showed me that I can do both.