dear st. elmo #1

Wow, rush things much?  It’s been what, two whole months since we’ve totally, completely ended all things between us and you are already so embedded into a new relationship that you can make your Facebook profile a couple pic?  I don’t know why I am so surprised.  I know it’s your MO to jump from one relationship to the next.  I just thought that you might actually follow my advice to take the proper time to get over one relationship before rushing into the next.  But of course, you wouldn’t listen to me – you don’t know how to be alone.

The whole notion of going from one relationship right into the next is so foreign to me.  I’ve told you this before.  Back when I found out you were on Match again – right after we broke up in October.  You said “who says it’s not healthy to develop another relationship so soon?”  Umm, any rational, sane, balanced person.  It’s like you don’t know how to take the time to reconcile feelings from one relationship before you open up a new can of worms with the next.  Hence, you jump and jump into relationships that ultimately don’t work out because residual emotions and issues haven’t been dealt with.  Hell, this was a problem when we were together.  (And I’ll address this in another letter)

I also don’t understand how you can declare your love for someone, break-up, and then a week later be out there looking for new love?  Doesn’t that undermine all the previous love that you claimed to have felt?  Me thinks that you are overly free with doling out the love.  Which is fine, if it’s done in a way that doesn’t go around breaking hearts and wrecking havoc.  You, sadly, do not have that magical touch.

I almost feel sorry for you.  You need to be in a relationship.  You can’t be alone.  You claim that you can be, but you haven’t for years.  And now you’ve moved on past me with someone new.  I get it.  It’s fine.  I’m perfectly fine.  Unlike you, I have a large network of people surrounding me whom I can count on to talk to and who will meet me when I need a drink or just be there.  You need a love interest because you don’t have anyone close to rely on.  When we were together, I was your best friend, your confidant, your lover, your drinking buddy, your social life, your home life.  You have to date someone in order to have someone to talk to and relate to and go out with.  I don’t envy that kind of existence.

You think I am too independent.  I’m not.  You are way too dependent.  I don’t need to be with someone.  I want to be with someone.  There’s a huge difference.  But for you, they are one of the same.  There’s a sad neediness to your having to be a part of a couple.  If you were female, you would no doubt be labeled as a desperate stage 5 clinger.  So, lucky for you, you are a guy.

I was thinking about how you claimed that you know so much more about being in a relationship because you’ve been in so many, while I, on the other hand, have been in a lot fewer.  Does having 20 failed relationships make you more knowledgeable of what a good relationship is?  You couldn’t get it right 20 times…isn’t that a more telling story?  I’d rather have my track record (of fewer failed relationships) than yours.  Any day in this lifetime and in the next.

Maybe one day you’ll learn from your past (20 or so mistakes), but from what I’ve seen in the 18 months that I’ve known you, you never will.  And that is really sad and unfortunate.

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6 Comments

  1. Vdogg

    This is a brilliant letter. You have said everything I wanted to say to my douche ex. In fact, just after reading your blog, I discovered my ex shacked up with his gf only a year after I made my exit. In fact they BOUGHT a house! I totally agree with you about the unhealthy nature of going from one relationship directly to the next. But, I know SO many people who do this. I did it myself BUT at the ripe old age of 30 I have finally realised just how unhealthy this really is. You are the bigger person; he is a needy weak bellend. Stay positive xx

    • Thank you! It has not been an easy ride to this point, but I really am so much better off! I’m sure you are, too, in your situation. Cheers to better things coming our way! xoxo

  2. Great letter, Amy! And…spot ON! People who go from one relationship to another never learn a dang thing. I was just talking about this with another single friend the other day. I believe everyone SHOULD be single at some point in their adult lives. You should know how to live alone, manage a house/bills by yourself, figure out how to socialize as a single, etc. But no, so many people can’t handle that and just jump from relationship to relationship, never learning a thing. Well said, Amy.

    • Thanks! Everyone does need to find out who they are as a single person. I think that if he had a close network, maybe he wouldn’t be this way, but who knows? He’s essentially slapping a band-aid on a slow healing, oozing, gaping wound (break-up) by beginning a new relationship. He’s shifting his focus on someone else rather than internally to get by and not face his emotions. He needs that distraction of a new relationship so he’s not alone and stuck thinking about his shortcomings and faults.

  3. Esme

    I have a girlfriend just like St. Elmo…they would be perfect for each other. One day she is crying about the guy she dated for two weeks that dumped her because she was too needy, and the next she is gushing about the new guy she had lunch with. This dude will be hers for two weeks, and the vicious cycle starts over. Whenever I tell her to BE SINGLE, she responds with a “Why the hell would I do that?” There is so much more when you want someone, versus needing them. Kudos to you for knowing the difference!!

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