tick tick tick…boom!

I know I’ve touched on this before, but as I just spent a day with two of my friends’ babies, I couldn’t help but feel that awful pang…the longing for my own children.

I make no bones about it.  I want kids.

Now that I’m single again, it is like a fucking ticking bomb in the back of my mind.  My ovaries life line is running short.  Very short and will soon explode.  I know I’m only 36, but that’s getting on the old side to be starting from scratch (re-entering the dating pool, vetting dates, beginning dating someone, figuring out if you could have a future with them, finding out you won’t, starting all over again and again).  It’s very distressing.  It makes me sad.  It makes for one more thing that I will likely have to mourn – the possibility probability that I won’t have kids.

Yes, I know that adoption is an option.  But when I really think about it, is it?  It costs thousands of dollars and I’m talking thousands.  I am nowhere near a financial situation in which I can afford the expenses of adoption.  Hell, even if a baby miraculously appeared in my arms free of charge, I’d have to squeak by affording the expenses of raising a child and money would always be tight and it would be a struggle.

And money aside, if I’m still single (which is a very good possibility), I don’t really want to do it alone.  I applaud all the single mothers out there.  They have my utmost respect.  I’d like to think that I could do on my own, but I don’t think I can.  I don’t have immediate family at my fingertips.  Sure, I have plenty of friends who would help out here and there, but I need more support than that.

I love being around my friends and their kids, but it is bittersweet seeing them so happily interacting or excitedly anticipating the birth of their baby (no fewer than 4 pregnant friends & 2 cousins).  Seeing that and knowing that I’m probably not going to have that – it’s heartbreaking.  I struggle with flip-flopping between trying to be optimistic that it could happen and at the same time bracing myself for the likelihood that it won’t.  I don’t want to give up hope, because that’s admitting defeat.  But I also need to start dealing with the notion of not ever having kids.  And as each month, day, minute goes by, I am that much closer to not having kids.  I have to learn to accept it as a reality and come to terms with it.

We don’t always get the life we hoped for.  I am just going to try to make the best out of the one I have.  Mourn my lost dreams and figure out what new realities can replace them.

Advertisements

5 Comments

  1. Ugh, Amy! I can honestly say I completely understand where you’re coming from. My heart is broken on a regular basis, whenever I spend time with my friends’ kids. I completely enjoy playing with them, but inside, I can’t help thinking about how I may never have my own. The thought of me meeting someone, dating them, getting engaged, planning a wedding, and getting married…and THEN having kids – well, it seems like it could be at least a couple more years, IF I meet someone. That puts me at 37+…which is frightening.

    It’s hard to let go of something you are so sure you want, and I’m certainly not ready to let it go. You know I’ve blogged about this before (http://wwwsingleandbloggingit.blogspot.com/search/label/babies) and I still feel the same way.

    Thinking of you and letting you know – you are NOT alone in this!

    • I remember your post. It’s just so disheartening to know that it might not happen. And when I say “it”, I mean the relationship, the family, the happiness. I really hate that I’m not alone in this, because it sucks that anyone else should be able to relate. BUT, it’s reassuring to know that my company in this is so great.

  2. Girl, I HEAR you! Flip that last 6 around and you get 39 (my age, yikes!)! Lots of my friends are already on baby number two. I always find myself in conflict – joyful for them, sad for me. Heartbreaking, and at the same time, a lesson in remaining present.
    That is how I am trying to deal with it all at the moment.

    • So true about trying to remain in the present and focus on the right now, as opposed to getting depressed about an unknown future. Thanks.

  3. Amy, I’m just catching up on your blog. I’m sorry to hear about you and St. Elmo. My heart broke reading thing post.. and I wish I had some comfort to offer or some answers. The only thing that gets me through this kind of stuff is to believe that everything happens for a reason. Cliche, yes, but hopefuly true. I’m just sending my support to you…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: