tick tick tick…boom!
I know I’ve touched on this before, but as I just spent a day with two of my friends’ babies, I couldn’t help but feel that awful pang…the longing for my own children.
I make no bones about it. I want kids.
Now that I’m single again, it is like a fucking ticking bomb in the back of my mind. My ovaries life line is running short. Very short and will soon explode. I know I’m only 36, but that’s getting on the old side to be starting from scratch (re-entering the dating pool, vetting dates, beginning dating someone, figuring out if you could have a future with them, finding out you won’t, starting all over again and again). It’s very distressing. It makes me sad. It makes for one more thing that I will likely have to mourn – the possibility probability that I won’t have kids.
Yes, I know that adoption is an option. But when I really think about it, is it? It costs thousands of dollars and I’m talking thousands. I am nowhere near a financial situation in which I can afford the expenses of adoption. Hell, even if a baby miraculously appeared in my arms free of charge, I’d have to squeak by affording the expenses of raising a child and money would always be tight and it would be a struggle.
And money aside, if I’m still single (which is a very good possibility), I don’t really want to do it alone. I applaud all the single mothers out there. They have my utmost respect. I’d like to think that I could do on my own, but I don’t think I can. I don’t have immediate family at my fingertips. Sure, I have plenty of friends who would help out here and there, but I need more support than that.
I love being around my friends and their kids, but it is bittersweet seeing them so happily interacting or excitedly anticipating the birth of their baby (no fewer than 4 pregnant friends & 2 cousins). Seeing that and knowing that I’m probably not going to have that – it’s heartbreaking. I struggle with flip-flopping between trying to be optimistic that it could happen and at the same time bracing myself for the likelihood that it won’t. I don’t want to give up hope, because that’s admitting defeat. But I also need to start dealing with the notion of not ever having kids. And as each month, day, minute goes by, I am that much closer to not having kids. I have to learn to accept it as a reality and come to terms with it.
We don’t always get the life we hoped for. I am just going to try to make the best out of the one I have. Mourn my lost dreams and figure out what new realities can replace them.