giving in to defeat

Defeated.

That’s what I am.  Yesterday, today, tomorrow, ten years from now.  When it comes to love.

I went back and forth about posting this, because saying it out loud (or on this page) means admitting it to myself and pulling myself out of the miserable state of denial I’ve been in.

The relationship between St. Elmo and me is over.  Completely and forever.  As of October 19th.  Four days after we got home from a week-long vacation.

This may come as a surprise to those who are Facebook friends, because it’s only been three weeks since we took a trip to Florida (his first visit to Disney and to meet my mom).  The pictures posted of the trip showed two happy people on vacation.

What it didn’t show was the underlying tension, unhappiness, and turmoil that had been festering for weeks, even months.  What it didn’t show was the fight we had the night before we left that had me storming out of the apartment for an hour (we for the most part made up when I came back, at least enough to embark on our vacation the next day).

I didn’t ask for the end of the relationship.  In fact, I was taken by complete surprise when he said that it just wouldn’t work out and it’s over.  I was heartbroken when he told me that he’s lost the will to even try to work out our problems.  The plan was that he would spend some time in his parents empty apartment (they left for Peru for 6 months on the 19th) to give us some space.  When he left my apartment the morning of the 19th, he left for good.

I wanted the relationship to work so badly that I was blind to the fact that our differences and issues were too large to overcome.  I was so convinced that we shared enough love that we could work it out.  When he asked why we hadn’t worked it out before, I gave the answer of “laziness; nobody wants to change” and I still believe that.  I don’t think we made any real effort to make change.  He thinks that we did everything we could do and we failed.  I disagreed, and still do.  I thought that us spending some time not living under the same roof would give us space to ease the tension.  He didn’t see that as a solution or even part of one.

Now, I can recognize all the shortcomings we had and couldn’t work out.  I can now admit that I spent way too many nights in tears for the relationship to be working.  We both have so many deep-rooted issues that together we really never stood a chance.  There’s also the fact that I don’t think I ever really forgave him for the hell he put me through in April/May.  The wall I built back then never fully came down.

When things got tense, we both shut down.  We spent so many moments in stubborn silence, never giving in.  Now ask me what we were so stubbornly holding our ground for???  Pride?  I have no idea.  But if I was moody or he was moody (the more likely of the two situations) or one of us said something that ticked the other off, we would clam up in defiance, which caused the other to clam up and the result would be two people who supposedly love each other sulking at one another with hostility.  Nice, huh?  If I had a dollar for every time this happened, I could quit my job.

Another big issue was the dependency thing.  He’s very co-dependent and I am very independent.  As much as I want to meet all his needs, I simply can’t give him all he wants from a co-dependent relationship.  I don’t know how to be someone’s everything.  And truthfully, I’m not sure I want to be.  He is very much a “we” person.  He once accused me of thinking like a single person, of which I took offense and I’m sure it led to a silence stand-off.  I love the idea of “we”, but also need to retain the “I/me”.  I’ve spent 36 years as an “I/me”, it’s tough to give up completely.  And I don’t want to.  I’m an individual person with my own thoughts and ideas.

The fact of the matter is that we spent the last two or so months walking on eggshells around each other.  The tension between us was so palpable that I had a perpetual upper backache that even massage couldn’t alleviate.  Now that it’s been two weeks since he moved out, my back pain has gone away.  The tension is gone.  I suppose that speaks volumes.  I wouldn’t say I’m happier that it’s over, I’m not happy at all, but I am definitely less stressed.

I’m gaining better clarity as I start to move on.  You’re probably thinking to yourself that I was completely delusional that I thought I was in a healthy relationship from what I just described.  By all accounts, I was.

It still hurts like hell and I get all weepy sometimes.  I’m terrified of the prospect of having to date again (if I ever get the itch to).  I’m trying to come to terms that I may be single for the rest of my life.

I’m trying to understand my own inner demons and how they drive me.  I’ve been reading a bazillion psychology articles online and a few books.  I can identify some of the deep-rooted issues that I have that hinder my relationships, namely this one.  I’ve reached the point where I am starting to look into therapy for myself.  Some of my issues are rooted from infancy and attachment issues (being adopted and fear of abandonment) to other childhood and relationship issues that affect me now.  I really think that I need to work out some issues with myself before I can properly have a relationship.  I need to fix me, first and foremost.

I suppose I should be glad that I didn’t spend $10 million on a wedding and then have to file for divorce 72 days later???

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21 Comments

  1. Esme

    I don’t think you are delusional. I think you just really wanted it to work. And there is nothing wrong with that.
    I really beat myself up for my ‘stupidity’ after M broke it off with me. And I realized I can’t do that, and neither can you. Don’t ever denigrate the love and feelings between you two. Embrace it, grieve for it if you need to, but don’t trivialize it. Because it was something!

    I’m sorry you had to go through all of this so soon after a vacation. Hang in there, and I’m thinking of you 🙂

    • Thanks so much Esme. I really appreciate your words and thoughts. I’m trying not to beat myself up and understand that it’s better this way in the long run. We would have continued to make each other miserable and really, that is no way to live. Even though we loved each other, how we wanted to achieve our wants/needs differed and it wasn’t going to change.

  2. Oh Amy, I’m so sorry to read this. I’ve been wondering about how you were doing. 😦 Don’t you think for a minute that you will remain single for the rest of your life. I think we all take something away from each relationship that we have that may help to improve the next one. I’m so sorry that you’re hurting. ((hugs))

    • Thanks, Grey. It’s been a tough couple of weeks for us, huh? Damn men don’t know what they have when it’s staring them in the face.

      I will try to jump back in the dating saddle as soon as I can, but not really optimistic this moment. I am taking away from this relationship that I really need to see a therapist to work through my issues. At least talk to someone impartial and can dig deep into my brain.

      • Take your time getting back into the whole dating thing. There’s no rush. All the douchebags will still be there when you’re ready. 😉

        I can’t tell you how many times I’ve considered ‘talking to someone’ about ‘stuff’. I think it’s a great idea to get an impartial opinion from someone who is trained to see what we don’t and can help us work through whatever it is that’s going on.

        And yeah, damn stupid shitty men 😡

  3. Aww! I am so sorry to hear this too…but as much as it is painful, it does sound like it was the right move. Even though you didn’t make that decision, I think you will come to realize (as your writing here already suggests) that it is for the best and that your ‘just right’ fit is still out there. Co-dependency is VERY tough and to have had to deal with that is somewhat of a dealbreaker, I think, for someone independent, like you are. As for dating, you’ll know when you are ready. Of course. XO!

    • Thanks, Jobo! The co-dependency thing is a huge thing. If he had his way in a relationship, every non-working second would be spent together. I can’t do that. He was trying to give me space now and then, but I know it’s not really what he wanted. If I went out with my girlfriends at night, he’d stay home and feel weird being home alone. It’s not healthy (on his part). There really were so many glaring differences in who we were and how we live, that I see now, that would keep clashing in the long run. It really is the right move for both of us. Thanks, again. xoxo

  4. So sorry to hear this, Amy! I was hoping the absence of posts meant that all was fab in your world of coupledom! It sounds like ending it was the right thing, but I know that doesn’t make it any easier. I’m sure you learned some things about yourself and that’s what you’ll take away. Take whatever time you need to grieve this ending, so that someday you can imagine a new beginning with the right guy for you!

    Good on you for the therapy, too. I have often thought of doing that (and maybe will someday), but am not quite ready. I fear what all would “come up” in therapy and part of me wants to leave certain aspects alone.

    Thinking of you and hope you know we all support you!

    • The absence of posts was that I thought it was going to work out, but also don’t necessarily like to air dirty laundry during a relationship. Once it’s over, though, it’s a free for all for your reading displeasure :X

      I think the therapy will help. Though I am talking about it, I’ve still to make the move of calling a therapist to set up a consultation or whatever you do.

      Thanks so much for all your support! And likewise, I hope you know we are here for you as well. xoxo

  5. Hi Amy,

    So sorry to hear that you are dealing with this – I can relate. But ultimately you will come out of this experience even stronger and wiser than you already are. And you will not be single forever. Just cast that silliness out of your mind.

    Quite honestly, I have found therapy to be extremely helpful, so I think it is a great idea that you are thinking about it. Good for you.

    Hey – we are both NYC gals, so if you ever feel like meeting “for real” and grabbing a drink, I am game! I am always happy to lend an ear and a shoulder;)
    Hang in there.
    gg

    • Thanks, GG, for all that. Yes, I think we need to meet up and grab a drink! I’ll email you.

  6. You’ve been through this before with him and then it changed and you believed it was going to work this time. I don’t know how to help heal your heart… I know how much it sucks. But I want you to know that you’re stronger than you think you are and you will get past this. Give yourself time to mourn and then go on a journey to find YOU. We’ll all be here when you get back.

  7. oneshewolf

    Hi it is Firecracker3, or formally known as such 🙂 So sorry to hear about this. I am not going to bullshit you with words of wisdom or cliches but I will say you tried and that is about the best anyone can do in any situation, give it what you have and see what happens. At least you can’t regret the things you DIDN’T do or say in life if you follow that path. *hugs*

    • Hey Firecracker! Thanks for the support. Hugs right back at ya.

  8. Karen

    You’re not delusional, well I hope not because that’s exactly what I felt like during the last few months of my relationship. Your break up sounds very similar to mine, I thought we had enough love between us to work through our problems but he saw that we didnt and he ended up breaking it off leaving me heartbroken even though I knew he was right. I spent more time crying over the relationship by the end that it was a small relief when it did end. Whilst I am sad it is over, I can see now how we were never going to get past our problems. I wish you the best of luck in pulling through this 🙂

    • Thanks so much, Karen, for your comment. I’m sorry that you were in a similar situation. Ugh. I hope your healing process is progressing – it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and are coming to terms with everything. You understand that while you loved eachother, sometimes it’s just not enough and no amount of will power is going to make it right. It really sucks, doesn’t it?

  9. It sounds like a lot of what you went through I am going through too. I am sorry you’re hurting. I know how you feel and I experience some of the same thoughts you do. It’s hard. I hope things get better for you and someone better comes along who knows how to appreciate you.

    • Thanks, Stephanie. I hope the same for you…

  10. It sounds like this is for the best. Hard…and it sucks to put effort and time into a relationship that doesn’t work out. But I think you are right to think it’s better now than later. I feel that way about cancelling my wedding – it was terribly painful, but at least it was before the wedding.
    Thinking about you girl!

  11. I’m so sorry Amy!! This all really sucks and I hope you’re alright!

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