giving in to defeat
That’s what I am. Yesterday, today, tomorrow, ten years from now. When it comes to love.
I went back and forth about posting this, because saying it out loud (or on this page) means admitting it to myself and pulling myself out of the miserable state of denial I’ve been in.
The relationship between St. Elmo and me is over. Completely and forever. As of October 19th. Four days after we got home from a week-long vacation.
This may come as a surprise to those who are Facebook friends, because it’s only been three weeks since we took a trip to Florida (his first visit to Disney and to meet my mom). The pictures posted of the trip showed two happy people on vacation.
What it didn’t show was the underlying tension, unhappiness, and turmoil that had been festering for weeks, even months. What it didn’t show was the fight we had the night before we left that had me storming out of the apartment for an hour (we for the most part made up when I came back, at least enough to embark on our vacation the next day).
I didn’t ask for the end of the relationship. In fact, I was taken by complete surprise when he said that it just wouldn’t work out and it’s over. I was heartbroken when he told me that he’s lost the will to even try to work out our problems. The plan was that he would spend some time in his parents empty apartment (they left for Peru for 6 months on the 19th) to give us some space. When he left my apartment the morning of the 19th, he left for good.
I wanted the relationship to work so badly that I was blind to the fact that our differences and issues were too large to overcome. I was so convinced that we shared enough love that we could work it out. When he asked why we hadn’t worked it out before, I gave the answer of “laziness; nobody wants to change” and I still believe that. I don’t think we made any real effort to make change. He thinks that we did everything we could do and we failed. I disagreed, and still do. I thought that us spending some time not living under the same roof would give us space to ease the tension. He didn’t see that as a solution or even part of one.
Now, I can recognize all the shortcomings we had and couldn’t work out. I can now admit that I spent way too many nights in tears for the relationship to be working. We both have so many deep-rooted issues that together we really never stood a chance. There’s also the fact that I don’t think I ever really forgave him for the hell he put me through in April/May. The wall I built back then never fully came down.
When things got tense, we both shut down. We spent so many moments in stubborn silence, never giving in. Now ask me what we were so stubbornly holding our ground for??? Pride? I have no idea. But if I was moody or he was moody (the more likely of the two situations) or one of us said something that ticked the other off, we would clam up in defiance, which caused the other to clam up and the result would be two people who supposedly love each other sulking at one another with hostility. Nice, huh? If I had a dollar for every time this happened, I could quit my job.
Another big issue was the dependency thing. He’s very co-dependent and I am very independent. As much as I want to meet all his needs, I simply can’t give him all he wants from a co-dependent relationship. I don’t know how to be someone’s everything. And truthfully, I’m not sure I want to be. He is very much a “we” person. He once accused me of thinking like a single person, of which I took offense and I’m sure it led to a silence stand-off. I love the idea of “we”, but also need to retain the “I/me”. I’ve spent 36 years as an “I/me”, it’s tough to give up completely. And I don’t want to. I’m an individual person with my own thoughts and ideas.
The fact of the matter is that we spent the last two or so months walking on eggshells around each other. The tension between us was so palpable that I had a perpetual upper backache that even massage couldn’t alleviate. Now that it’s been two weeks since he moved out, my back pain has gone away. The tension is gone. I suppose that speaks volumes. I wouldn’t say I’m happier that it’s over, I’m not happy at all, but I am definitely less stressed.
I’m gaining better clarity as I start to move on. You’re probably thinking to yourself that I was completely delusional that I thought I was in a healthy relationship from what I just described. By all accounts, I was.
It still hurts like hell and I get all weepy sometimes. I’m terrified of the prospect of having to date again (if I ever get the itch to). I’m trying to come to terms that I may be single for the rest of my life.
I’m trying to understand my own inner demons and how they drive me. I’ve been reading a bazillion psychology articles online and a few books. I can identify some of the deep-rooted issues that I have that hinder my relationships, namely this one. I’ve reached the point where I am starting to look into therapy for myself. Some of my issues are rooted from infancy and attachment issues (being adopted and fear of abandonment) to other childhood and relationship issues that affect me now. I really think that I need to work out some issues with myself before I can properly have a relationship. I need to fix me, first and foremost.
I suppose I should be glad that I didn’t spend $10 million on a wedding and then have to file for divorce 72 days later???