confession #4: possibly falling down the rabbit hole

Confession #4: We (we, as in St. Elmo and I) have been spending time together.  In fact, we spent pretty much a whole weekend together about two weeks ago.  Since that weekend, we’ve grabbed dinners together after work.  We’ve had a lot of contact (phone calls, emails, texts, IMs).

It started in earnest on Friday, May 6th.  We wound up meeting for drinks after work (wine bar= reckless decisions/behavior).  He was the one I was with when I sprained my ankle.  He sat on the ground with me while I laughed/cried about my hurt ankle.  He helped me up off the ground.  At my (drunken) insistence that we continue to the Mandarin Hotel for another drink, he helped me get to the bar.  He got my gimpy drunk ass home after I sucked down very unneeded and expensive dirty martini.   He took care of me and my ankle.  Took care of me the whole weekend.  Brought me food.  Kept me company.  Yes, I know, I have friends who could have done that too.  But he did it.

I was really apprehensive about writing about this.  I know that we are all blogging for ourselves and trying to think “to hell what other people think”, but easier said than done.  You’ve been there from the start.  Through the good times and bad times.  And you stood with me showing unbelievable support.  You’ve become friends and I value what my friends think.  I was/am afraid of how you’ll think of me by my spending time with him.

At first, I didn’t know if I had made a mistake by spending that weekend with him.  It didn’t feel like it.  We had a really enjoyable weekend together.  It didn’t feel strained (at least from my point of view).  It actually felt like old times.

We had a serious discussion one night.  We both got some things off our chests that needed to be out there.  Especially me. There have been subsequent heart-to-hearts with full disclosure.  It’s become imperative that we share everything, hard as it may be to either admit or hear.

We are not back together as a couple.  We are still broken up.  But we are working on repairing the damage that was done.  There’s still a ways to go, as I’ve rebuilt part of that wall that surrounds me and my heart.

I  can’t forget everything that’s transpired over the past two months.  How everything played out was not good.  Not okay in my book.  I can’t forget words that were said, by both of us.  How they were said, by both of us.  Things that were done.  I can’t forget, but I’m working on the forgiveness.

I’m obviously not one to make the wisest decisions when it comes to men (as history would tell).  But, I’ve always largely gone by gut feeling.  I kind of “know” when something is up, when someone’s lying, when things aren’t right.  And I’ve gone with that gut feeling throughout this ordeal.  My gut right now is telling me that things will be different now.

I have kind of laid down a it’s a “balls to the walls” attempt or nothing.  If he’s in, he’s in.  Meaning if he wants to try to make this work between us, he has to follow through and try 1000%.  So far, he’s giving it every effort, taking full responsibility for his part, and trying to right his wrongs.  At this moment, that’s all I can ask for.

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6 Comments

  1. You are the only one that knows what is good for you. If you feel that the relationship if worth repairing, then balls to the wall is the way to go! Can’t wait to read what happens.

    • Thanks, Esme. I feel like I’ve regained some control. Obviously, I’m not in total control, but I am 100% involved in the decision making this time round. It’s become a collaborative effort now, as opposed to me feeling it was all one-sided (me) before. xoxo

  2. Porkpiesandheartache

    I hope it all turns out the way you want xx

  3. Amy – you have no reason to fear any judgement on our part (please see my “I am mortified” post for proof!). We are here for support, no matter what. Trust yourself, your instincts, and wisdom – for they are plentiful!

    • Thanks so much! I do feel more at ease sharing without receiving judgement. I think it’s good we all share our embarrassments, wrong doings, etc, because it shows us all that we are all not perfect. And if other people can relate and say “omg, there’s someone else going thru that” or “feeling that” then it helps us accept our own actions/feelings.

      I did see that post…I think most of us have been there. Me, well, I’ve been there more than once…eeeks.

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