confession #1: taking ownership
Warning: this is a Debbie Downer post (wah, wah, wah)…
I know I said I wouldn’t post anymore about St. Elmo, but what can I say? I
lied misspoke. My frame of mind has been shifting. I’m certainly not as emotional. I’ve tapped back into the logical part of my brain. Instead of being an emotional basketcase, I am being more analytical of the situation, once again. Sorry, readers, I can’t help it. I just now want to take deeper looks into myself. Understand myself. And at your misfortune, share them with you. Some of it will be a little tongue-in-cheek, so don’t be offended or think I’m not taking this self-assessment seriously. I sometimes need to add in what I think is humor to lighten up a situation.
With each day that goes by, it does get easier. I had some really bad days last week. A couple of times, I was on the verge of a complete crying-fit breakdown on my commute (either to or from work). Yeah, I was the girl walking down the street frantically trying to blink back tears, while sniffling, with my face all scrunched up. I got home Friday and had a total meltdown. Heaving chest, gasping for breath, racking sobs. Not pretty. Luckily, my meltdowns only last a few minutes. Then I compose myself and go on with my day.
As of yesterday (Monday), believe it or not, I haven’t teared up. Not once. And I’ve thought about him a lot. I think about him all the freakin’ time. I can’t help it. But I’m starting to get a much better grasp on my emotions and keeping them in check.
Because I’m thinking about it constantly, it’s forcing me to think about everything that we’d talked about. Everything that went wrong. What he did or didn’t do. What I did or didn’t do.
I’ve mentioned some of my faults before. But not really gone in depth with how and where the problem developed. Now I think it’s time I take ownership of my part in the breakdown of our relationship.
– I’m a quiet person (not shy, though). I can certainly hold a conversation with someone just fine, but I’m not a chatty-Cathy who will talk non-stop about anything and everything. I try to think before I speak. So, many times if you ask me a question that isn’t superficial, I may take a moment to think about it, digest it, and then answer.
My “quietness” could be uncomfortable for him, especially when we were home after work and I just wanted to shut up and go online or read. He tried addressing this with me. Wanted to talk about it. But as I am
sometimes most of the time too sensitive for my own good, I took it as criticism. And something I deemed as criticism from someone I loved was very painful. I would get upset, which would make him not want to confront me with it again. Out of fear of my reaction. Complete communication breakdown from both sides.
And the reason why I have such a bad reaction to being called quiet? I guess that stems from my relationship with Colossal Douche Bag. He was always
accusing calling me introverted. Now, I am not going to agree or disagree with that. Yes, I tend to be on the quiet side, but when I have something to say, I say it. And when I want to talk, I talk. I don’t hold things inside. I don’t hide in corners and shy away from conversation. I let the CDB get under my skin with this. Granted, he is a giant pompous asshat, but while we were together I wasn’t of the sound same mind that I am now. But I am still very insecure about it and it’s a touchy subject for me.
I’ve always been quiet. I will always be referred to as quiet by anyone who knows me. I get it. I’m fine with that. I’m not likely to change. (Though I did go through a phase in my teens and early 20’s when I wouldn’t shut the eff up, so I guess I can change).
– I am not proud of this, but I once told him (wrongly, in frustration) that I purposely did not answer a question he asked because I thought the answer was obvious and didn’t deserve an answer. Yeah, I’m a bitch
all the time sometimes. Unfortunately, my flippant attitude in that particular instance stuck with him and he couldn’t forget it. And when it happened once again – me ignoring his question – that just compounded the issue in his mind. Extremely poor behavior on my part. Like I just said, I’m not proud.
I would hate for someone to completely ignore me, why on earth would I do that to someone I love??? I don’t have an answer to that. He used to think that I would just cease listening to him. That wasn’t the case in 99% of the time. Sure, he could be long-winded and he’ll admit fully to that. But I was genuinely interested in what he had to say. I listened to all of it. There may have been a moment here and there (the 1%) when I did tune out because my mind is constantly a jumble of
nonsense thoughts. But it was never on purpose. And I would have my 10 second tune-out and thought and then be right back to the conversation.
– I should have been more upfront about my need for space. I’ve pretty much lived on my own since college. Now I have someone living in my space with me. I loved having him there, but it was something I was not used to. At all. Especially with someone I didn’t know well. It was a major adjustment. And truthfully, I didn’t handle it properly. I should have discussed this with him, but because it was still a new relationship, I didn’t want to
scare him rock the boat. I wasn’t yet comfortable in the strength of our relationship that it could survive me voicing my concerns and needs and wants. That was my huge mistake. I wasn’t giving either of us enough credit or belief that we could handle it.
– I can be a really selfish person. Seriously. I definitely can take people and things for granted. I don’t do it intentionally, but it happens. I know I took him for granted. He is an exceptionally generous person and I’m not just talking financially generous. I could care less about how much money someone does or does not spend on me. But he was so generous in his actions of taking care of me, looking out for me, doing things for me, being there for me. His actions were heads and shoulders above what I did for him. I took that for granted. Took him for granted. Never gave him credit where credit was due. I didn’t show him or tell him that appreciated him for what he did and who he was. I hope and pray that I can change this because it’s a terrible way to live. Not properly appreciating the people in your life. I have really amazing people in my life, I need to keep letting them know I think that.
This was my first *introspective* post (Thanks, Grey, for giving me the idea). There will be more “confessions” later as I think of them. I don’t mind admitting my faults. And seeing them written out and posted on my blog…well, it’s a little hard, but I need to remind myself of them, so I don’t keep doing them. It’s all about learning from our mistakes and recognizing where we need work, huh?