moving forward

We aren’t out of the woods yet.  The path is still a long one to get out.  But we are willing to go down that long winding path together.

I have mixed emotions about what is happening with St. Elmo.  On one hand, I am really happy that he recognized and admitted to the things he did wrong and wants to right them.  I love him, of course I want it to work out.  On the other hand, though, I am worried.  And maybe a tiny bit sad.  I was finally getting to the part where I was accepting the fact we broke up and that I would have to move on.  It’s not that I wanted to move on without him, but at the time, I wasn’t given a choice.  Now I have a choice.  I can forge ahead (or at least try to) with him or I can tell him “too little, too late” and try to get past all this.  I know I have options, but I also feel like my hands are tied.  Not trying isn’t an option.  I can’t just let him go.  Not when he’s taking responsibility for his wrong doings and I’m doing the same.

On Monday night when we met, there was admittedly a lot of drinking going on (hey, we were at one of our favorite wine bars).  The alcohol definitely loosened us up and it was like we both drank truth serum.  Not that our relationship hasn’t been built around honesty.  But it was just a lot easier to talk freely with a little lot of liquid courage.  He admitted to almost planning on doing something which seemed a bit far-fetched, but genuinely sweet.  Of course, being the sometimes heartless biotch I am, I laughed – out loud and at length.  Not at him for wanting to do what he wanted to do, but at the sheer absurdity of what he wanted to do.

He told me a few things he would have done differently.  Numero uno, was not move in.  Sleepovers are one thing, but to move in so soon was a huge mistake.  I agree.  It was like going from meeting someone to acting like you are married.  Umm, never a good idea.  This time around, we are taking it back to how it was when we first started dating.  It’s almost like we have to “court” each other again.  We have to make dates if we want to see one another.

I spent a lot of time blaming him.  Focusing on what he did wrong.  Well, I’m not perfect (shocking, right?) and partly to blame as well.  If he’s admitting his faults, so must I.  I certainly have my own short comings and come bearing my own baggage.  At the first sign of conflict or confrontation, I tend to shutdown.  I close off and get quiet.  And then when push comes to shove, I verbally attack and get mean.  I get overly sensitive, thinking any comment is criticism against me.  That’s my own insecurity.  I can be very selfish and self-centered, forgetting that the world does not indeed revolve around me.  That’s a combination, I think, of being single for so long and being the spoiled youngest child.  Sometimes, I can take for granted the people in my life.  I know I did with St. Elmo with every day things he did for me.

In the end, we still want the same thing.  We love each other and want it to work.  Whether or not it will work is an unknown.  But I think that as long as we are both willing to work through our issues, we’ll get through this rough patch.  I once said that “if we could make it through this, I don’t think there is a thing we won’t be able to handle”.  At the time, I was referring to the kids issue, but that was just a segment of a more all-encompassing problem.  We seemed to have pulled through this so far.  We are both banged up and bruised (metaphorically, not literally), but I believe we’ll be okay.

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8 Comments

  1. Prettylittlereckless

    I think you guys will make it. Like you said, you both want the same things and maybe it’s good this all happened. It’ll make you stronger. And yay for dates all over again!

    • Thanks! I am hoping that this all happened for a (good) reason. I know we will come out stronger than before (no matter what happens with us). And yes, dates are always good…although we were pretty good about going out for dinner/drinks very often when we were living together. But, now we get to anticipate seeing one another again. And that is something special.

  2. It is a good relationship if both people can compromise, admit their part and work together to move forward. There is a world of difference between taking someone’s shit and allowing them to take advantage versus rough (sometimes really rough) patches to work through. I know that’s one of my downfallings – being too reactive which usually doesn’t serve me well. I hope you guys work it out. Hugs (from back in Cali now).

    • You couldn’t have said it any better…. so true, all of it.

      Thanks and hugs back at ya from NY

  3. Grey Goose, Dirty

    Good luck to you Amy. Not to be the only poo-pooer (but it’s kinda my thing), I just don’t want you to get hurt again, so please be careful. ((hugs))

    • Thanks, Grey. We are treading lightly. It’s certainly not back to how it was before all the shit went down, but we are recognizing what needs to be worked on and making an effort. That’s all I can ask for now. Regardless of whether it works out in the end or not, I’m confident that we’ll come out okay (even if heartbreak is the end result, I know it won’t kill me. It didn’t this time, it won’t again.)

  4. It’s my first time reading your blog, but I got so curious about the backstory that I went and read that “novel” of a post and a few other posts as well. All i can say is, wow. What a rollercoaster. I hope that whatever you decide on and try to fix together works out in the end.

    • Thanks, Amanda, for stopping by! It has been quite an emotional rollercoaster. We’ve He’s decided that he doesn’t want to work at it. But it’s OK. I’ll be OK. The first break-up didn’t completely shatter me, so I will pull through this one just fine. Thanks for the support!!

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