We aren’t out of the woods yet. The path is still a long one to get out. But we are willing to go down that long winding path together.
I have mixed emotions about what is happening with St. Elmo. On one hand, I am really happy that he recognized and admitted to the things he did wrong and wants to right them. I love him, of course I want it to work out. On the other hand, though, I am worried. And maybe a tiny bit sad. I was finally getting to the part where I was accepting the fact we broke up and that I would have to move on. It’s not that I wanted to move on without him, but at the time, I wasn’t given a choice. Now I have a choice. I can forge ahead (or at least try to) with him or I can tell him “too little, too late” and try to get past all this. I know I have options, but I also feel like my hands are tied. Not trying isn’t an option. I can’t just let him go. Not when he’s taking responsibility for his wrong doings and I’m doing the same.
On Monday night when we met, there was admittedly a lot of drinking going on (hey, we were at one of our favorite wine bars). The alcohol definitely loosened us up and it was like we both drank truth serum. Not that our relationship hasn’t been built around honesty. But it was just a lot easier to talk freely with a
little lot of liquid courage. He admitted to almost planning on doing something which seemed a bit far-fetched, but genuinely sweet. Of course, being the sometimes heartless biotch I am, I laughed – out loud and at length. Not at him for wanting to do what he wanted to do, but at the sheer absurdity of what he wanted to do.
He told me a few things he would have done differently. Numero uno, was not move in. Sleepovers are one thing, but to move in so soon was a huge mistake. I agree. It was like going from meeting someone to acting like you are married. Umm, never a good idea. This time around, we are taking it back to how it was when we first started dating. It’s almost like we have to “court” each other again. We have to make dates if we want to see one another.
I spent a lot of time blaming him. Focusing on what he did wrong. Well, I’m not perfect (shocking, right?) and partly to blame as well. If he’s admitting his faults, so must I. I certainly have my own short comings and come bearing my own baggage. At the first sign of conflict or confrontation, I tend to shutdown. I close off and get quiet. And then when push comes to shove, I verbally attack and get mean. I get overly sensitive, thinking any comment is criticism against me. That’s my own insecurity. I can be very selfish and self-centered, forgetting that the world does not indeed revolve around me. That’s a combination, I think, of being single for so long and being the spoiled youngest child. Sometimes, I can take for granted the people in my life. I know I did with St. Elmo with every day things he did for me.
In the end, we still want the same thing. We love each other and want it to work. Whether or not it will work is an unknown. But I think that as long as we are both willing to work through our issues, we’ll get through this rough patch. I once said that “if we could make it through this, I don’t think there is a thing we won’t be able to handle”. At the time, I was referring to the kids issue, but that was just a segment of a more all-encompassing problem. We seemed to have pulled through this so far. We are both banged up and bruised (metaphorically, not literally), but I believe we’ll be okay.