what to do now?

Some random updates:

  • I’ve resumed eating.  I don’t eat a lot, but I get hungry and eat.
  • So, this was a search term that brought someone to my blog today…twice!  “i don’t have a drinking problem. i drink, i get drunk, i fall down, no problem”
  • For the first time ever, I started a race and didn’t finish on Sunday.  It sucked.  I really hated that I pulled out of it after just one mile.  I just didn’t have the physical energy to do it (nor the mental energy either).

And here’s the biggie…

  • I spent 12 hours with St. Elmo last night…into this morning (don’t judge).
  • We met to talk.  Yes, believe it or not, there was more to talk about.
  • Mostly it was him realizing what a big ol’ schmuck he’d been and how he fucked up what we had.
  • He apologized.
  • He ‘fessed up to his wrong doings.
  • He admitted to freaking out because of where the relationship could go and was heading.
  • He verified everything that I knew to be true (regarding non-existent feelings for his Ex, his feelings toward me, his feelings towards wanting kids, his fears, his insecurities).
  • Big, heavy topics aside, we had a really nice time with fun or deep conversation.  That was what I missed.  Those awesome, easy, sometimes intellectual moments with him.
  • I’ve told him I’ve been blogging about it all.  I told him that all of my blog friends crucified him on here.
  • We aren’t sure where we stand and where we go from here.
  • He knows that he inflicted a lot of damage and hurt me.
  • I know I said some pretty mean things back to him.
  • But, the love is still there and hard to ignore…


  1. Esme

    Aaaahhhhhhh!!! I want to know what is going on!!!

    • Esme, I’m going to post another update soon. But Cliff Notes version is that we are giving it another shot. He admitted and apologized for all that he did wrong. We do want the same end result and have the same goals. We’re taking it much slower and treading a bit lighter at this moment. Thanks for being a huge support – means a lot to me. xoxox

  2. First… don’t beat yourself up on not finishing the race. I had a hard time exercising for a while when I was really down.

    What I like about your post is that when referring to your friends you said “we”… as in both you and everyone who supports you doesn’t know which direction to go with St. Elmo. Be grateful for your friends because they will never abandon you but go with your heart… it’s YOUR decision and we’ll all support you.

    • Thanks, Pam. I’m going to try another race tomorrow. Of course, it’s going to rain and if it weren’t me having to prove to myself I can do it, I’d skip it and stay in my warm comfy bed. Ah, such is life.

      It has 1,000,000% been my friends (in real life and on here) that have gotten me through this. The support I’ve gotten has been astounding and actually brings tears to my eyes thinking about it. I really would have been a catatonic mess had it not been for all you guys! Thank you. Thank you. A million thank you’s aren’t enough. xoxoxo

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