a love story (as only they happen in my messed up world)
So, you all know that St. Elmo and I broke up. While I’m in a relationship, I don’t air dirty laundry. I don’t tell my friends all the problems or issues or arguments. But once it’s over, then I don’t feel like I have to protect the privacy as much.
I’m going to try to construct a time-line that you can easily follow and that will help me attempt to make sense of it all. Get ready for the novel. I apologize in advance for the profuse profanity. Sometimes, ok most of the time, I just can’t help it and sometimes you need it to get a point across.
It will be more vague and limited in the early months and get more in-depth for the recent weeks. Here goes:
Late August: First date. Met for coffee. Wasn’t the smoothest date, but wasn’t the worst date either. I found him very attractive and being the superficial person I am, wanted a second date because he passed the litmus test of me wanting to kiss him.
Early September: Nothing, nada, zero contact from him.
Late September: I emailed him asking him if he was doing a particular race that weekend. That led to more emails and the lines of communication were open.
Early October: Lots of emails and text messages, but no solid plans to meet up, even though we both kept suggesting it. The one night we were supposed to meet up, he had to cancel.
Late October: We finally meet for Sunday brunch. Another “dry” date, but we had a great time. This was the date he said was the turning point for him and he really began to like me.
Early November: Again, kept trying to make plans to meet, but they would get messed up. Finally, meet for drinks (woo hoo!) on a Friday night. Fantastic date! That was the date that was the turning point for me in liking him.
Late November: The week of Thanksgiving, we probably saw each other every single day, except for Turkey Day.
Early December: We are hanging out more and more, getting to really know each other. I really like him. He brings presents for my cat. He sends me roses. He’s super thoughtful and considerate. Despite not having known each other for that long, we both begin for fall for each other. We both had our respective freak-outs. We talked it through. We both begin to think that this could be it. We begin to talk about what kind of future we’d want, and in general, what kind of wedding we’d want, where we’d want to live, how we’d raise kids. And all of these talks were had with the unsaid belief that we’d do these things together. That’s how strongly we felt for one another (and what fueled the freak-outs).
Late December: It’s the holidays, I went down to Florida. We emailed, texted, called the whole time I was down there. For Xmas, he gave me a beautiful necklace from Tiffany’s. I got him books (haha!). He was planning on picking me up from the airport (huge deal for NYCers), but with the blizzard, flight cancellations and me being stuck in Miami, that didn’t happen. But he kept me company all night via phone. We planned on spending NYE at his parents. This would be the first time meeting them. We had a great time. I loved them, they loved me.
January: He starts spending more and more time at my apartment, which eventually turns into him moving in, unofficially. It was great having him there.
February: There was an argument, our first ever, about a ski house that I do every year, but we resolved it. There started to be a recurring issue with me being so independent and needing “me time” and “quiet time”, something he was not used to. It was especially troublesome considering we were in my small apartment, in each other’s faces all the time. The lack of space was beginning to take its toll. But overall, things were still really good. There was talk of getting a bigger place once my lease was up or taking over his parents place for a year (more on that later). We enjoyed lots of nights out. We did things on the weekend together. We commuted home from work together every day. We had a really nice Valentine’s day, despite me wanting to boycott it. I got beautiful diamond earrings. He got an iPod and a booked hotel in DC for his Half Marathon (and an awesome card pointed out to me by Jen – thanks, Jen!).
March: The lack of space issue, quiet issue, me time issue keep rearing their ugly heads and we have to address at least one of them a few times a week. We can’t come up with a good solution and we are getting no where and no where fast. But things were still going well, so I thought.
Third week in March: We went to DC for his Half. It was actually a really great and fun trip. We used it as “us” time and didn’t tell friends who live down there that we were in town. It was, after all, our first out-of-town trip together. While we were down there, sometime in the overnight hours of Saturday to Sunday, he received a call that went to voicemail. It was from ADT alarm systems. The alarm had gone off at his Ex’s house. His phone number was still on the contract as the contact (a residual from when he lived there). He told me about the voicemail and called ADT to check to make sure things were ok and to ask them to remove his name and number from the contacts. It turns out it’s not that easy as there’s paperwork and whatnot. Whatever.
Last week in March: A few days after getting back from DC, we were out for dinner after work on a Wednesday. On the way home, he lays it on me that he may not want kids. OK, this might not have been as big of an issue had it not been for the fact that he talked about having kids from the get-go of our relationship and even talked about having them with me. This was the “deal breaker” that I alluded to in previous posts. I was 100% sure that I wanted kids. He wasn’t. In my little warped mind, I took it as he doesn’t want kids at all. I possibly, may have over-reacted. There was crying (me), silent treatments (me) and tons of discomfort (both of us) in my apartment. On Thursday of that week, he goes out with co-workers for drinks, while I am home and still upset. He comes home and there’s talking, crying, accusations. On Friday, again he goes out for drinks, while I go home tired, upset, with no appetite. He comes home tipsy and the talking, crying, accusations fly again. Saturday morning, we are able to talk rationally. He still doesn’t think he wants kids, but isn’t sure. He leaves to go run some errands. He calls and suggests that we should do our own thing during the day, which I’m fine with because the apartment desperately needed cleaning. He came home that afternoon. I’m still quiet and a bit despondent, which makes him really uncomfortable. We order dinner after going back and forth about either going out to grab something or ordering in. I barely eat anything as my appetite flew the coop and we watch a movie. Later that night, he suggests that we take the “step back”. That we rushed things (no shit, Sherlock), that we need to figure out some things (the kids issue). I agree and he is going to stay at his parents for a bit, with the option of moving back [back story with his parent’s place is that his parents retired to Peru, but still own an apt in the city. They come back for a couple of months here and there. He was living there while they were gone and paying the mortgage, etc, but for some reason this past year they stayed way longer than ever expected. His dad is currently there, while his mom went to Peru end of Feb and will be back in 1.5 weeks. This was also one of the reasons for him living with me. His parents, though, plan on leaving for at least a full year in October. This is what gave St. Elmo the thought we could take up residence in the apt]. Sunday morning, he packed his stuff, but not all of it, as there’s still a bunch of stuff in my apt, and left. I broke down when the door shut behind him and cried my eyes out. Maybe deep down inside, I knew it was the beginning of the end. Women’s intuition or something. That was just one and a half weeks ago, April 3rd.
We had decided that in our time apart, we’d do lots of thinking, but have no contact. Then we’d meet on Friday to talk.
Now we come to Friday, April 10th, and we meet for dinner and drinks in my neighborhood. It was a little tense at first, as you can imagine, but things loosened up with beer and copious amounts of it. We actually had a really good time and we talked about the kids issue without any problem. He wound up spending the night. We went to breakfast the next morning. He left for his home around 10am. He texted asking if I wanted to check out an apartment with him at 1PM. I agreed and met him in the East Village. After seeing a terrible apartment, we decided to just walk around. We walked around the Village, Soho, Nolita. Then we decided to go to the Seaport and grab a late lunch. Afterward, in our pursuit of a bathroom, we stumbled across the downtown Les Halles. We figure that if we need to get a drink to justify our use of their facilities, than so be it. We plop down at the bar and spend the next 3 hours there, drinking and eventually eating again. Afterwards, he drops me off at my home and heads to his. On Sunday morning around 7:30AM, I get a text from him asking me if I am running the race – we had both signed up for it. As I hadn’t eaten much (despite breakfast, lunch and dinner with St. Elmo, I picked at my food) and being dehydrated from drinking, I wasn’t sure. But then I thought I’ve got to do it. Suck it up and run 6.2 miles (nevermind that I hadn’t really run in over a month). I came from the East side and he came from the West side, so we didn’t meet up before the race, but texted and talked on the phone. As he’s a much faster runner than I am, he was going to wait for me to finish and then we’d go grab brunch. I admittedly had a really tough time with running. I wanted to give up, but the thought that he was waiting at the finish line for me kept me going. After way too much time, I approached the finish line and saw him standing front and center, waving, smiling, trying to take my picture. I was exhausted, dehydrated, hungry and on the verge of tears. We went to brunch and I thought things were going well. Like we were on the way to working things out.
How very wrong I was.
He called me that night, Sunday night around 7PM, to talk about us. The majority of the conversation revolved around what he deemed to be “unfixable” problems in our relationship. We ended the call with the expectation that we would meet up Tuesday or Wednesday and talk again.
A little bit later Sunday night, he texts me…”when you find the person you want to marry, would you move forward without doubt that the person/relationship will work out?”
I give him my answer and then some other random questions shoot my way, all of which I answer.
This proceeds with him telling me that while we were on our break (and I’m having a really bad Friends moment here), he reached out to his Ex. He needed closure. They wound up meeting for drinks and talking. He needed to know that she was ok (stemming from the alarm incident, I think) and needed to tell her some things, get them off his chest.
Then came the bombshell from him.
“I am not over my ex. I’m in love with someone who is totally wrong for me but I have to try. You and I were developing feelings that could have grown into something, but I just couldn’t move on” << What the fuck?????? Again, what the fuck????? He wants to go back to the Ex? Fucking shoot me and put me out of my misery. Did the last 5+ months we spent together not mean a damn thing? Was it all a lie every time he told me he loved me? Were the conversations about our future just blowing smoke up my ass? What the fuck?
On Monday, I’m pretty much beside myself. I am bombarding him with questions and thoughts and my feelings and my suggestions. He was pretty much silent, which he blamed to being busy at work. Ok, fine, not everyone can take two days and email (Monday) or blog (today) all day like I can. Hey, I actually turned out a ton of work yesterday. But anyhoo. I send him an email before leaving work telling him that I’ve poured my heart out to him. He knows exactly my feelings and where I stand on everything. I don’t know shit from him. And this really bothers me, to put it mildly.
Now to Tuesday night (last night, 4/12) and he emails me “I’m in love with my ex. I’m sorry.” ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? We email back and forth, cause remember, he’s living at his parents and has no privacy. I ask him if he’s definitely going back to her (the Ex). He says “yes”. I ask if he’s moving back in with her, he says “yes”. I proceed to call him the stupidest asshole on the face of the earth. Hey, I never said I didn’t have immature tendencies. Told him he was an asshole for the way he treated me. He was an asshole for using me. That he was just a plain old enormous asshole. A stupid asshole for thinking going back to a bad relationship is a wise choice. I also called myself a stupid asshole for being in love with a stupid asshole, despite all his assholeness.
We essentially broke up by way of emails and texts, the 2011 version of the Post-It. Fuck me (or ifUseekAmy << there’s a reason I chose that name).
Here’s the back story about the Ex. They dated on/off for 2-3 years. She was the relationship before me, and like, right before me, though he insists it was “over in his mind” at the beginning of 2010. But he was still living there (out of convenience) until September. He lived with her and her daughter (who I think is 14 or 15 years old now) on/off for the duration of the relationship. He admitted that he’d moved in or out at least 6 times last year. That’s freaking crazy. And there is seriously something wrong with the relationship if one or the other ended it half a dozen or so times. It was a tumultuous relationship with a lot of fighting/arguing. One area of conflict was her drinking too much. He constantly told me about how bad she was for him. How the relationship was toxic. How stressful it was. How he hadn’t been truly happy in so long, until me. This is all I heard about the Ex, how bad she was, even when he was telling me he’s still in love with her! What the fuck is wrong with this man?
That’s what I don’t get. I get that he felt we rushed things. We did, everyone knows that. I get that having things move so quickly freaked him out. I get the reason for wanting to take a step back. I get that he wants to establish some roots, which is why I wholeheartedly supported him getting his own place. He’s not super happy at work, so I encouraged him to find something he loved. Even after he told me that he was still in love with the Ex, I kept telling him that he needs to move forward, with or without me, but most definitely without the Ex. And I wasn’t just saying that because of my feelings for him. I was telling him that as a logical human being who sees that his going back to that relationship is just a train wreck waiting to happen. Does he not remember the fighting? Her excessive drinking? The unhappiness? He thinks it’ll be different this time ‘round? Umm, no. It might be a different year, but it’s the same people with the same problems. I DON’T GET IT!
That, my friends, is the great love story of Amy and St. Elmo. Riveting, ain’t it? That’s what fairy tales (or nightmares) are made of. Stay tuned, kids, for updates as this story is not quite over… We are still in “talking mode” as I try to get answers to all my “what the fuck?”, “why the fuck?”, “how the fuck?” and “when the fuck?” questions. Ahh, fuck.
adventures in babysitting...men 
((hugs)) ……… he’s an asshole (and apparently a co-dependent one). I’m so sorry he put you through all of this. I am more than happy to fly out there and kick his ass for you if you’d like (see, I can be immature too. plus, I’ve never been to NY. oh, and I cook so you’d have to eat!)
you know what Amy, he’s probably not an asshole. I just called him one for hurting you. He just sounds fairly immature and confused (but I’m sticking by my co-dependent moniker)
Grey, it’s ok that you called him an asshole. I called him an asshole multiple times and in every iteration. He most definitely is co-dependent and afraid to be alone. I’ve called him out on the afraid to be alone thing, as have his friends. The co-dependecy thing is one of the only rational reasons why he wants to go back to his ex (our issues aside). If he couldn’t be with me for whatever reason, he can’t be alone and that is why he is running back to the ex. It sucks and unfortunately, we all get screwed in this situation, because no one will wind up happy in the end.
First of all, I would love you to come to NY and cook. There are other people I’d rather you kick their ass (namely my ex, or rather the ex before this current one).
Bah, I’m really sorry to hear about all this. I know there’s nothing that anyone can say to make you feel better. So, I guess all I can leave you is pathetic little this:
🙂
Thanks Dennis, I’ll happily take the smiley face 🙂
Oh man, St. Elmo sucks…urgh!!! Immature (he still doesn’t have his *own* place? Major red flag right there)…Oh dear, Amy, I’m so, so sorry. 😦
But things will be better eventually. Eternal optimist that I am, I know that things will work out (St. Elmo or not.) But it sucks now.
If you’d like to get drinks, or just need an ear – let me know!
Thanks! All this aside, we need to get drinks anyway!
I’m wondering if it’s really codependency, or if he’s just one of those guys who needs drama and fighting and breakups in his life. Or maybe both. If that’s the case, as hard as it is to see it now, you do NOT need that shit in your life. And that is probably why he knows it won’t work with you. With you, the relationship would be happy, content – none of those horriblly dramatic ups and downs and wondering how you feel about him he feeds on. If he stayed with you, then eventually, rather than bringing out the *good* in you, which is what good relationships do, he would have brought this kind of nastiness out in you. YOU would have been the crazy couple, fighting all the time, breaking up every couple months, letting your very essence of happiness get crunched into a few short weeks or even days at a time between melodrama and embarrassment. YUCK. Not only that, but don’t forget that he was starting to come clean about not wanting kids. You want kids. THAT is a deal breaker.
So fuck him AND his crazy ex. They deserve each other, as far as I can see.
Thanks, Katie. We actually spoke last night (I just posted about it) and he said he’s not going back to her, despite what he told me before. I’m hoping this is the case. Ehh, we’ll see. Or not actually, because I won’t know one way or the other.
WOW – what a load of crap! I’m so mad right now… Why did he have the nerve to build a relationship with you, if he was having these lingering “I’m in love with my ex” thoughts in the background? What the heck?
I agree with everyone else, that while this is painful and incredibly unfair to you, you do NOT need him or his issues in your life. You are above that and will hopefully find someone else who is as well.
Regarding the kids issue. I’ve said this before. I don’t understand how you DON’T know whether you want them or not. Especially when you’ve reached your mid to late 30s… Um, I think you’d have an idea by then of whether you DO or DON’T!
I always say this – I may not GET to have kids, but there is no doubt in my mind that I WANT to have kids.
Hang in there, Amy! You have every right to be as ticked off as you are. You also have a group of bloggers willing to go kick his butt! 🙂
He assured me last night (and even this morning) that the feelings he had for me were genuine. I just posted a follow up in which I gave my opinion that I think he doesn’t really love her, he just is confusing guilt (for leaving her and her kid) and worry (the house alarm incident) for love.
But the whole kid issue. I think its a load of crap that he thinks he doesn’t. That came out of the blue and my bestie and I think he was using that as an excuse. He wants them. He might not want them in the time frame I wanted them (cause at almost 36, I don’t have that much time left), but he wants them. I’m pretty sure of that.
And thank you all, for wanting to come out and kick his ass. I think he’s better off being hauled off to therapy, than a good ass-kicking. However, if the offer still stands, then I can send you all to the Colossal Douche Bag’s home and you can kick his ass from here till Sunday. Now HE’S someone who needs a major ass-kicking!
Have you watched Jersey Shore? Sam and Ronnie? They love to fight/hate/call each other names, but they can’t seem to get away from each other. One day they are soooo over the other and the next they can’t live without each other. It’s messed up, but some people need the drama in their lives. The fact that you are an independent woman (which seemed to be a bit of an issue for him) probably didn’t fulfill his drama quota. Is that really the kind of guy you want to be with, marry, have kids with?
UGH I hate men sometimes!!!
Thank you for the comment. I have seen only a couple episodes of Jersey Shore, but I know who you are referring too.
I feel like this post is giving him a bad rap. He definitely handled the whole situation extremely poorly. And I wrote this post being confused, angry, hurt, and in the dark about what was really going on in his mind. After speaking with him last night, he denied that he’s going back to the Ex and the toxicity and drama of that relationship (he just needs to reconcile the unresolved feelings/issues). Even in our relationship, he wasn’t one to pick a fight. It was a mostly peaceful existence, but the issues he had with my independence (and it was a big issue for him) led to some tension and stressful discussions. Disagreements never got heated and we’ve never raised our voices at one another – even through all this. So, I genuinely don’t think he is looking for drama.
What the fuck ????
If I were to draw conclusions from this… I would say that it has nothing to do with not wanting kids. Nothing to do with being in love with his ex. And nothing to do with you. Sounds to me like one of those commitment phobe guys who doesn’t know how to grow up and is going to remain stuck in this self sabotaging cycle forever.
Doesn’t much matter though, no matter how much you loved him, he’s not the right guy for you. Here is your chance to move on, improve your life, and finding something or someone bigger and better in the grande scheme of your life.
Sorry you’re going through this right now… I totally remember being there and it’s not fun.
Thanks, all I’ve been saying through this whole thing is “what the fuck?”.
He definitely is sabotaging his relationships. He admits that he is looking for perfection in a relationship, but there is no such thing as perfection (in anything, nevermind a relationship). And for that reason, he will never get married. He’ll bounce from one relationship to the next because there will be something that falls out of his vision of *perfection* and it will never work out. It’s a sad existence.
what a rat!
ugh!!! why are men such assholes???
my situation is opposite from yours but the heartbreak is just the same
its been 6 months and still struggling..
ps, im currently in Peru right now!!! lol
Thanks, Panic. I’m going to catch up on you blog to find out your story. I’m sorry that you are still struggling after 6 months. Hey, if you’re in Lima, I’ll give you St. Elmo’s mother’s name. Maybe you can tell her to convince him to go see a shrink. I think that’s what he needs desperately. He needs serious therapy.
what a huge jerkface jerkerson! Don’t make excuses for him Amy. You are better than that! WAY better! This is exactly why I stay single! This is the selfish crap men pull all the frickin time! It’s assholishness at it’s finest. It makes me seriously want to kick some ass! His ass in particular. I have a vision of me dressed in black with big black boots meeting him in an alley and giving him a beat down for you. What? it’s the only way you can be rid of the assholish behavior of some men, clearly thinking doesn’t work for them!
He is a huge jerkface mcjerkerson!
I know I shouldn’t make excuses for him, because he behavior was abhorrent. But I can understand that his mind is seriously fucked up. I know he didn’t mean to hurt me. And I know he’s hurting. Despite my initial reactions of he was using me, he never loved me, etc, etc, the truth is he did love me. I know that. I could tell from when we were together by his words, his actions, the way he looked at me. And he clung to me much early and harder than I began to cling to him. I was pissed (and still am) that he was dumping me. Much of my anger came from that. I don’t take rejection well at all. I get majorly defensive. And it manifests in the need to fight back to regain some dignity, even if the (dirty) fighting causes me to lose some of that.
I am getting caught up on my reading so, first, this sucks. It is just that simple but I will say given his what I would call hot and cold attitude that there were “ex issues” it seems to be a trend with people and the whole break up via text or email, etc, also very common. Sad in my opinion but some people either can’t or won’t do it any other way anymore.
Second, thanks for the shout out on the card!
Third, he lacks independence. The living situations along the way define much of who he is which seems to be needy in the sense that he didn’t live alone and could not be without a lover even if it was dysfunctional. If it wasn’t you in this scenario it would be another girl. Don’t think of it as YOU were not good enough or the right fit. If he is a gypsy soul he will go where ever, whenever to try to fill his voids.
And finally, many hugs!
Thanks, Jen! Hugs back at ya!