tiny little pieces

I think I reached that breaking point.  Where my heart has been broken to the point of no repair.

My relationship with St. Elmo is over.  Maybe in a later post, I’ll talk about what happened.

I remember once a fellow blogger mentioned that one of the reasons she didn’t want to date was because if her heart got broken one more time, it would be shattered beyond any hope of repair.  Then another fellow blogger commented that she felt the same way.  The pain of the broken heart is just too much to bear one more time.

I am there.

My heart is shattered.  Beyond any hope of repair.

I’ve lost all hope that romantic love will be part of my life.

The tears are drying.  I’m almost cried out about it.

Now please allow me to rant…

I’ve reached that point where I wonder, again, why does this happen to me?  And then I feel supreme guilt.  Guilty for bemoaning how shitty my love life has become, when I have wonderful family and friends, a good job, a roof over my head, my health.

I think about a friend, who has the good job, the loving husband, the beautiful baby girl, gorgeous new home.  But she was diagnosed with Parkinson’s last year.

I think about another friend, again she has a good job, the husband, the home.  But the good job she was able to get in her field is at a university in the Midwest, while her husband is here in NY.

I have multiple friends who are facing tough challenges in various areas of their lives – be it work, love, health, family.

We all have our Achilles heel.  Mine happens to be long lasting love.

I start to feel like a selfish bitch crying “woe is me”, but dammit, seriously, why does it happen that whenever I find love, it gets yanked away from me?  I get to relish in the feeling of being in love, and feeling loved, and then it’s all stripped away, leaving me feeling shaky, depressed and sad, naked and alone.

What the fuck did I do to the universe that I will constantly be denied happiness when it comes to love?

I feel like I am being punished for something I don’t know I did.

Like others on here, I’ve lost interest in dating.  I don’t think I have it in me.  I don’t have the energy.  I don’t have the will.  I don’t have the desire.  I simply don’t have the heart anymore.

My heart is broken.  Shattered.  A million little pieces.  I don’t want to piece it back together.  I just want to sweep it aside, sweep it under a rug.  Hide it.  Pretend it’s not there.

I’ll focus on my family and friends.  Focus on my job.  Focus on running.  Maybe I can start volunteering again at the ASPCA.  Maybe become a more involved volunteer with the Red Cross.  I hate giving up on anything.  But love just doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me.  I’ve put in the valiant effort.  It’s good to know when to call it quits.  And I call quits.  I quit trying to find love.


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21 Comments

  1. Maybe this will help make you feel better: “For Broken Hearts”:http://johnarcher11.wordpress.com/2011/02/28/for-broken-hearts/

  2. Grey Goose, Dirty

    Oh Amy. I’m so very very sorry. I really have no words of comfort for you as anything I say would sound totally pithy and pretty much bullshit at this point. I won’t go on about love being out there, not giving up, remember the good times, blah blah blah. It’s okay to give up. For now. Not forever.

    I am so sorry you are having to go through the heartbreak of it all again. I wish there were something I could do.

    Now while I have absolutely no words of wisdom regarding love (as I haven’t been able to find that ever elusive part of my life), I can make a truly lame comparison for you.

    NOT to diminish anything that you and St Elmo had and I KNOW that what I’m about to write is nothing compared to what you’re going thru, but think of it as a parallel of sorts.

    I do animal rescue. I foster dogs (and end up adopting a few of my own), the last time I had to go through one of my beloved dogs dying, i swore I would never own another dog again. However much joy they bring to my life, it’s just too damn hard when they die. I couldn’t take the heartache. I’d rather go without. I put my mind into other things and tried not to notice that there was no wagging tail to greet me at night. I held true to my sorrow and oath to never adopt again. For 2 months. Then gave in. The joy that they do bring IS worth the sorrow of potential loss.

    You know I give up on dating all the time and pretty much hate all men at this point. As cynical, bitchy, snarky and negative as I am and as much as I don’t think there is anyone out there for me, I do my best to try not to lose hope. He’s out there. Probably in Alabama or somewhere I will never go, but he’s there.

    Take time. Volunteer again. Hang with friends and family. Let your heart heal and then when you’re ready; be it 2 months or 2 years from now, you’ll be ready to give things a go.

    xoxoxoxoxoxoxxo

    • Thanks, Grey! I appreciate all your words, pithy, bullshit or whatnot. Time will help heal. It’s just hard to get out of this mental funk right now.

      xoxoxoxo

  3. Amy, I’m so sorry. Trust me, I know how you feel. I am not going to offer advice, but just say that I’m thinking of you, and I knnow you will be OK. It might not feel like it now, but you will be. And someday, you’ll understand why this all happened. It’ll get you exactly where you need to be. We all just have to believe that. Take care of yourself!

    • Thanks, Catherine. I know I’ll get past this and be okay. It’s just such a blow to my ego, my heart. I’m trying to believe it will be better…

  4. Oh bugger… that really stinks. I’m sorry. I’m single too but I’m still young so I don’t really feel as though I’ve earned the right to tell you it will all end okay. I don’t know if it does. I do know though, that all you can do is fake it till ya make it- so you jump back into other things and just keep on keepin’ on… and we’ll see where you end up. 🙂

    Sending you virtual hugs & martini’s! Get out there and have a night out with the girls, that always helps.

    • Thank you! I appreciate the virtual hugs and martini’s!!

  5. firecracker3

    Checking my phone at 1am after restless sleep and this was certainly not what I expected. I am so sorry and no advice or quote will make this any better. I only know that as negative as I may get about life in general at times I feel that with love, much like any other facet of life, must be enjoyed with the understanding nothing is permanant. We would miss so much in life, including meeting new people that make our life more fufilling, if things never evolved, for better or worse.

    Many hugs and comforting thoughts…Jen

    • Thanks, Jen. With every heart break, I get closer and closer to understanding that nothing, esp love, is permanent. Many hugs back at ya…

  6. PammyGirl

    The saddest part of love is when you watch it walk away. I understand. Many many times I have looked around and taken stock of my life: job, savings, place to live, great friends, good health, nice boobs… but I’m a man-repeller. I see mean and hateful people in relationships, stupid, arrogant, slobby… all kinds. So of course I take rejection or just being ignored personally.

    I know heartache and the fear that comes with it. I can’t tell you how to heal other than to do things that make you happy. Work on maintaining your self worth and surround yourself with friends.

    You’re in good company. There are LOTS of amazing single women out there. It’s not where many of us would like to be but at least we can be there for each other. Your heart WILL heal in time. Until then, you can lean on us… your single girl friends. Some day you’ll find the strength to love again.

    • Thanks so much, Pam. We are in good company and yes, we do have many other things going for us. Perhaps its just not in the cards for us. Who knows?

  7. Amy, I’m so sorry about this! I can’t imagine what you’re going through and my heart is breaking for you. While I’ve never really been in a serious relationship, I can assume this is a suck fest of massive proportions.

    I won’t bore you with what people have told me. Oh wait, I will. But only in jest, as I think these comments are a load of crap.

    “He’s out there, you just haven’t met him yet.” (Oh, thanks. That is SO comforting!)
    “You’ll find him, when you LEAST expect it.” (My answer to this is that I’m least expecting it on a daily basis…and yet, he’s not here)
    “Marriage isn’t that great.” (says the person who’s happily married with a family, uh huh)
    “You’re too picky.” (um, you’re not!)

    OK, now that I’ve got that out of my system. The overwhelming feeling I have about being single/not able to find love, is this. I feel as if a decision has been made for me, without any of my consent. I’d LIKE to be married and have children, but, for whatever reason, someone has decided that is not going to happen. They’ve also decided to surround me with people who DO have this (so that is just fanTAStic!).

    I completely understand you being “over” dating. I have zero desire to ever go on another date, unless it’s someone I’ve met and WANT to date. All of my married friends think dating would be exciting. Have they not SEEN who I’ve been out with?

    Anyway, I hope you just take some time for you and let yourself feel whatever you want to feel – because that is A-ok. Don’t let anyone tell you what you should/shouldn’t do or how to feel. This is a time for you to heal and really think about whatever might be next.

    Thinking of ya, girl!

    • Thanks, so much. I tried to comment on your blog, but either it went through twice or didn’t twice…

      In a nutshell, I agree with everything you said, esp the part about how you feel it was a decision that you were not involved in making.

  8. oh honey, I’m so sorry that you had to go to the same place as me. I wish I could tell you I feel better in that department all these months later, but truth be told, I don’t. I do think about it less. But when I think about love I don’t have those “I wish” or warm and fuzzy thoughts anymore. I have no desire to look for it, I have the desire to run from it. I spent a while reflecting on my life as a whole and the outcome is that I must have been insane since the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

    Nothing wrong with stepping back and taking a look at your life, trying to understand the big picture. I see it now, and realize that my purpose in life is not to have love and a family and all those things. Maybe your life is meant to serve a bigger purpose as well. Or maybe it’s meant to come drink margaritas and lay on a beach somewhere with me, or base jump off the Eiffel tower? Whatever your purpose the one thing I know is life will go on, and it’s up to you to see where you fit into it all.

    • Thanks, V. I posted the Einstein insanity quote on FB because of St. Elmo and it will be clearer when I post about what exactly happened. I’m still trying to figure it out, though.

      Yeah, I think we are just meant to be single ladies lounging on a beach or doing crazy things.

  9. It will take time (as we all know but never believe in the moment). The funny thing about love though is that you can’t really quit it – it will always find you. No matter how hard you try to hide. Hugs… but try to eat. You can’t run around the block, let alone a marathon without fuel.

    • Thanks for the hugs, Clicking. I wish love would find me, cause I just don’t have the desire and energy to go out and find it…

      I know I need to eat. When my good friend went through a break up with her bf of 5 years (and they lived together), she stopped eating and lost like 20 pounds. Imagine that! I was constantly on her case to eat something, because she too, is a runner and we need fuel. I’m trying to eat. It’s just very small amounts right now. Fruit has minimal appeal to me, but anything more than that turns my stomach. Better than nothing at all, I suppose.

  10. That’s it, all us single, given up on love ladies, need to form some sort of kick ass group where we do something better with our time that will give us all another reason for being on this spinning rock called Earth! Humm…. preferably something that will make us some money, have lots of adventure and where we can kick the asses of people who deserve it. Okay, maybe the kicking ass part is just me?

  11. Ugh I keep trying to write a bunch of different comments, and they all sound so cliche…especially from the cushy comfort of my relationship, where I’ve never had to question how HE feels in 8 years. But I’m going to settle for cliche, because cliche is better than nothing.

    You’ve already said most of it yourself – focus on the other things that matter to you in life – the things you can control. Volunteering can do wonders for a restless spirit (You mentioned the Red Cross, and I’m actually thinking of doing this: http://www.redcross.org/www-files/Documents/pdf/international/ISD_IMPACT.pdf in lieu of the quake in Japan. If you want to do it too, maybe we can encourage each other to complete the 20 hour course in a timely fashion :). And the thing is, once you work even more towards “finding yourself” and doing the things that shape who you are as a person, I think you’ll find that the type of person you’re really meant to be with will be drawn to you at that point.

    As amazing as my husband is, sometimes I wish I’d waited until a little later in life to get into the seriousness of it all, because we change so much during these years when we’re figuring out our careers, our passions, and our goals. Yes, this might make you more timid going into the next relationship, but please don’t let it ruin you forever. Change – both good and bad – is such a natural part of living. Just because this shitty thing is happening right now, doesn’t mean you should expect that for the rest of your life. You have good things ahead of you. I can feel it. 🙂

    • Thanks, Katie. I know I need to focus on me right now and in the near future. Thanks for feeling good things ahead for me…I appreciate that greatly. 🙂

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