tiny little pieces
I think I reached that breaking point. Where my heart has been broken to the point of no repair.
My relationship with St. Elmo is over. Maybe in a later post, I’ll talk about what happened.
I remember once a fellow blogger mentioned that one of the reasons she didn’t want to date was because if her heart got broken one more time, it would be shattered beyond any hope of repair. Then another fellow blogger commented that she felt the same way. The pain of the broken heart is just too much to bear one more time.
I am there.
My heart is shattered. Beyond any hope of repair.
I’ve lost all hope that romantic love will be part of my life.
The tears are drying. I’m almost cried out about it.
Now please allow me to rant…
I’ve reached that point where I wonder, again, why does this happen to me? And then I feel supreme guilt. Guilty for bemoaning how shitty my love life has become, when I have wonderful family and friends, a good job, a roof over my head, my health.
I think about a friend, who has the good job, the loving husband, the beautiful baby girl, gorgeous new home. But she was diagnosed with Parkinson’s last year.
I think about another friend, again she has a good job, the husband, the home. But the good job she was able to get in her field is at a university in the Midwest, while her husband is here in NY.
I have multiple friends who are facing tough challenges in various areas of their lives – be it work, love, health, family.
We all have our Achilles heel. Mine happens to be long lasting love.
I start to feel like a selfish bitch crying “woe is me”, but dammit, seriously, why does it happen that whenever I find love, it gets yanked away from me? I get to relish in the feeling of being in love, and feeling loved, and then it’s all stripped away, leaving me feeling shaky, depressed and sad, naked and alone.
What the fuck did I do to the universe that I will constantly be denied happiness when it comes to love?
I feel like I am being punished for something I don’t know I did.
Like others on here, I’ve lost interest in dating. I don’t think I have it in me. I don’t have the energy. I don’t have the will. I don’t have the desire. I simply don’t have the heart anymore.
My heart is broken. Shattered. A million little pieces. I don’t want to piece it back together. I just want to sweep it aside, sweep it under a rug. Hide it. Pretend it’s not there.
I’ll focus on my family and friends. Focus on my job. Focus on running. Maybe I can start volunteering again at the ASPCA. Maybe become a more involved volunteer with the Red Cross. I hate giving up on anything. But love just doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me. I’ve put in the valiant effort. It’s good to know when to call it quits. And I call quits. I quit trying to find love.