not so easy

This is a really, super hard post for me to write.

I am in a funk.  I’m sad.  I’m on the verge of crying and it’s taking everything in my being to not let the tears well up at work.  I can’t get into what the problem is, but I will say that St. Elmo and I are going through a rough patch.  I don’t know if we’ll get out.  It’s about something pretty big and important.  It’s nothing that either one of us has done, no one is at fault.  So there shouldn’t be any St. Elmo-bashing or Amy-bashing, please.  There’s just one little, okay, not little, thing that is blocking happily ever after.  It’s killing me.  I think it’s also killing him, but as I’m the overly-emotional one, it’s a million times more apparent with me.

I once said that this relationship was easy.  You know what?
It was easy figuring out that we liked each other.
So easy falling in love with one another.
Not as easy living with one another.
Definitely not easy finding out that on a major life issue, we are not on the same page.  Right now.  And maybe not ever.  Therein lies the problem.

Something came to light this week and for the past two days we have been trying to get a handle on it, but not really all at the same time.  I am currently emotionally and physically drained from us being wide awake, talking about it in the overnight hours.  My emotions have been a rollercoaster.  Scratch that, they’ve been more like the kiddie ride where I’ve gone from bawling to despondent to tearing up to dejected – there hasn’t been any highs, just lows and lower lows.  I’ve never felt so *lost* before.  I really am at a point where I don’t know what to do.

The past two days have been a complete 180 from this past weekend we spent in Washington, DC.  We went to DC because he was doing the National Half Marathon.  Although we both know people down there, we purposely didn’t tell any of them that we would be there.  We wanted 3 days of just us.  It was an incredible weekend.  A lot of good food, drinks and company – each other – and some running on his part.

The fact that this amazing weekend was a mere 3 days before I felt like the world was collapsing around me (yes, I am being over-dramatic) is incomprehensible.  How could we go from that to this?

My friends who know us together, have seen us together, believe it’s right.  That I finally got it right this time.  I thought I did too.  We were planning our future together.  Then the bombshell dropped.  It changed the game plan.  It threw the proverbial monkey wrench into our master plan.

We both need to take time to assess the situation and find out if we can work through it or not.  It’s going to be a rough time for me while we try to figure it out.  If we can make it through this, I don’t think there’s anything we won’t be able to tackle.  If we can’t, then I am going to wind up heartbroken (for the second time in a year) and not sure when I’ll be able to recover from it.  I know I will…eventually.  But this one will hit me so much harder than last year and it will take me a long, long time to get over it.

I know some of you will comment with really nice, sweet, thoughtful and encouraging things, but I’m not going read them or respond to them today… at least not while I am at work.  I know they will make me cry and I don’t want to cry at work.  I’m not ignoring them, I will just need some privacy when I read and respond to them.  I want you all to know ahead of time that so much appreciate your support.  xoxo

BTW, I just got a text from a friend that made me laugh and I so needed that right now.  Her text?  “This is so bad.  I am confused as to whether I am 36 or going to be 36 in August.  How old are we?”  <– I’m glad that I am not the only one losing my mind these days 🙂

 

 

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6 Comments

  1. 2blu2btru

    Hang in there, Amy! You aren’t the only one in a weird place with their BF. Hopefully you make it through to exactly where you’re supposed to be (and with whom) :-). Good luck, hun.

  2. I’m sorry 😦 Hopefully things can be worked out.

    On a lighter note, my 2-years younger sister always figures her age by subtracting from mine. As in, you’re 44… so that makes me 42.

  3. Oh my goodness. Your friends text made me laugh too, I can’t wait for the day when I don’t even remember how old I am! Haha.

    I sincerely hope that whatever it is, you two are able to come up with some sort of a comprimise or resolution. It is unfortunate when everything in a relationship seems to click, but the fundemental things you want out of life don’t. I hope that you are both willing to bend a little, to come up with a solution… but I also hope that you both keep in mind that you don’t want to live your life with regrets- be they giving up something you want out of life, or giving up this relationship. Don’t rush into a decision, take some time to really think about it.

    That’s my two cents, for what it’s worth. Wishing you the best, regardless.

  4. Grey Goose, Dirty

    I’m sorry to hear this Amy :-(. I will keep good thoughts for you both and that you are able to work through whatever it is. Relationships are never easy, dammit (well, from what I remember when I used to have them), and for that, I’m so sorry.

    I’ve given up on remembering my age. I do believe I’ve been telling people I was 42 for the past 2 years. Pretty sure I’m currently 43, but I’m sure I’ll double check my math come August when my b-day is.

  5. prettylittlereckless

    Hope things work out for you!

    Love that text. Sometimes I forget how old I am too. Sometimes I say I’m still 25 and then I’m like- no! um, shit! I’m 26! I realize it’s not “old” but damn it sure feels like it sometimes. lol

  6. What?! I’m so sorry to hear this! 😦
    I hope you guys can work it out!

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