i need serious help

Taking a cue from another blogger, who’s found love and learning to embrace the feeling of happiness, I too, am struggling to come to terms with the potential of just being happy.

Things have been going more than great with St. Elmo.  I really couldn’t ask for more.  He’s exceptionally considerate.  Spoils me rotten (and the spoiled brat in me loves that).  He’s been pretty open with me about liking me a lot, even alluded to more than *liking me*.  I have only begun to let him know the feelings are reciprocated.  I mean I think he suspected it, but I never verbally said it.

Over the past day, I decided to *open* up to him.  In my own weird-ass, warped way.  I emailed him some of my blog posts (but stripped out any titles, nicknames, identifying details of the actual blog).  Some were about running and other random things.  Some were about how online dating is crazy in general.  But then I decided to send him the one about when I knew I was in “major like.”

I’m totally embarrassed that he’s seeing this side of me, but at the same time I WANT him to see this side of me.  I want him to see all the sides of me.  The snarky, bitter Amy.  The sweet, gushy Amy.  The bat-shit crazy, needs a padded room Amy.  The blathering, diarrhea of the mouth Amy.  I don’t want to *hide* behind any pretenses and keep up a certain appearance just for a guy.  With John, I was always on *best behavior*.  He never saw me being a complete asshole fool doing retarded things.  He saw the calm, collected, borrrrrrinnnggggg Amy.  (That is until he wronged me, then bitchy, rip-you-a-new-one Amy came out with a vengeance).

After a wonderful night in which he wined and cheesed me (as well as bring a gift for my cat), he upped the ante and sent me a dozen roses at work.  Amy = speechless.  Jaw on the floor.  Face blushing like crazy in front of co-workers.  Vapors.  Smelling salts needed.  Yeah, that was me.  Unbelievably generous, considerate, sweet.  I was literally floating around the rest of the afternoon.

On my way home, I am on the bus sitting with them on my lap (I didn’t want to take the subway and have them crushed in the commute).  I look down at the flowers and all of a sudden felt a crazy fast wave of panic and tears sprang to my eyes.

I had a panic/freak out because I am starting to feel real feelings for someone and it felt all-too-real and it completely scared the living shit out of me.  The last time I let myself love someone, I wound up, well you all know the story, not good.  I have no reason to be scared of this man.  He’s only been amazing towards me.  But I keep thinking that the proverbial “other shoe is going to drop” at some point.  Then I will be crushed.  OK, maybe not crushed, but definitely bruised up.

Before I left work I was talking on the phone with a friend.  I mentioned the “other shoe dropping” bit.  Like literally said that “I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.”  She told me I’m being crazy.  She saw the two of us together last week.  Saw the way we looked at each other and smiled at each other and interacted.  Then she sagely reminded me that I am just not used to guys treating me so well.  When you’ve been crapped on for as long as I have by men, this one just seems too good to be true.

I read Jolene’s blog post on my way home and she mentioned “the other shoe” – holy crap.  I’ve been following her story and it just felt like “wow, totally relate.”

When I first started blogging, I did a post on how as human beings, one of the great things is being able to love and be loved.  I wrote that not too long after the CDB mess and I was hopeful that I would find love.  Now that it’s growing in front of me, I’m more than a little terrified.  I’m ready for love and all that.  The CDB break-up was bad, but overall, it wasn’t that bad because we’d been down that road (twice) before and because this time it was so final.  I want to feel love and let myself love without second guessing (probably not at all possible).  Others have blogged about this feeling of “falling” for someone and the fear that comes with it.  I, of course, was all “just let yourself fall!!!!”  And now that it’s maybe me doing the falling, I’m scared.  I’m not ready to back away from the edge, but dammit, I’m a little freaked out.  Really, for the first time in my life, I’m terrified of falling for someone who has been treating me so well and saying the right things and acting the way I would want a man to act towards me.

This is why I need serious psychological help and/or meds.  And this blog to get all my neurotic ramblings out there.

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16 Comments

  1. Aww! So glad my post resonated at the right time! And I can’t believe I haven’t read your blog all too closely. I apologize for that but you are now in my Google Reader 🙂 It IS scary falling in love, isn’t it? I think you hit the nail on the head…it is an awesome feeling but sure, it’s scary too. Just go with it, I am trying so hard to do the same. It’s great to open up to him too, so he sees all sides of you. I love that!

    • Thanks, reading about you going through these emotions first, and seeing the words of encouragement in your comment section, make it a little less scary. But man, am I freaked out! But it’s a really, really good freak out.

  2. Oh my gosh! I had the same panic this morning! I felt like the other shoe was going to drop any minute…Or that I’m going to do something to screw all the good stuff up that’s been happening and push “Jesse” away…so I sent a text and email to him just to clarify that I really, really liked him.

    I *LOVE* that he sent you roses to work!!!!! Congratulations Amy – looks like you found a keeper!! 🙂

    • Why are we so neurotic and nuts? It’s no wonder guys think we’re loony. LOL. We drive ourselves crazy and sometimes, in cases like ours, for no good reason. I am always glad to hear that you really, really like “Jesse”. Yay!

      The roses floored me. I think I’ll *keep* him around 🙂

  3. Awww Amy, sounds as if things are going great. I faintly (boo) remember the feelings that you are going through and there’s really no good way to appease them. You just have to know; and I know that you do; that if you don’t take that ‘risk’, then you just live a life of mediocre instead of wonderful! He sounds like a keeper to me and I’m pretty sure the roses at work were his ‘guy’ way of announcing to the world (or at least your entire office) how he feels about you! And you know damn well that he understands the significance of red roses, otherwise he would have sent you yellow ones. 😉

    I’m so happy for you!

    • Thanks! I know, I know, jump! Take the risk! I’ve said it countless times to others. Now I just need to follow my own advice. I’m going to, trying to. Without thinking and worrying (HA!) too much.

  4. Caatherine

    You know I know exactly how you feel… I was there just a few months ago. Take your time, there is no rush. But, enjoy the excitement and newness of this time. You deserve to be happy… Keep reminding yourself of that.

    • Thanks, Catherine. I know you were there and I told you to jump and enjoy the ride. I really am trying to. You know you are the best… don’t ever forget that!

  5. I was just commenting on another blog how the act of blogging, sitting there and typing is a therapy in it’s own right.(free too) It’s healthy too

    • BEST therapy in the world!!!!

  6. Wow, flowers at work. Every girls dream! Lucky, lucky you!

    I get the fear. The minute I get butterflies I feel it creeping up. I’m a self-proclaimed single girl, it’s hard to change gears mentally. I have nothing useful to tell you, but wow… awesome 🙂 So happy for you!

    • Thank you! I do feel very lucky these days.

  7. Esme

    You let him read your blog?? Dear lord you are brave! I have NEVER told a man I dated I blog! I am too afraid!
    I hope things continue to go well for you and St. Elmo!!

    • Believe it or not, yes. I’ve never felt this comfortable with someone before, letting him know how I feel, wanting him to know how I feel. Using his words, “it’s easy” with us. It’s completely unchartered territory for me, this sharing every thought and feeling, but I’m learning as I go along. It might come back to bite me in the ass, but that’s how I’ll learn my lesson (as with every other lesson I’ve learned in life).

  8. Embracing the feeling of happiness is probably the hardest thing for women to do, as if we don’t deserve it. Men think they always deserve to be happy, its a flaw in our design ladies!! We ALWAYS deserve to be happy…He’s a keeper! between the roses and the gift for your cat!, so enjoy,embrace have fun!, Laugh! And of course Blog! Glad to have visited!

    • Thank you! You are right in that we all deserve to be happy. I am definitely going to enjoy, embrace, have fun, laugh, and blog about it all! Thank you for stopping by 🙂

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