i need serious help
Taking a cue from another blogger, who’s found love and learning to embrace the feeling of happiness, I too, am struggling to come to terms with the potential of just being happy.
Things have been going more than great with St. Elmo. I really couldn’t ask for more. He’s exceptionally considerate. Spoils me rotten (and the spoiled brat in me loves that). He’s been pretty open with me about liking me a lot, even alluded to more than *liking me*. I have only begun to let him know the feelings are reciprocated. I mean I think he suspected it, but I never verbally said it.
Over the past day, I decided to *open* up to him. In my own weird-ass, warped way. I emailed him some of my blog posts (but stripped out any titles, nicknames, identifying details of the actual blog). Some were about running and other random things. Some were about how online dating is crazy in general. But then I decided to send him the one about when I knew I was in “major like.”
I’m totally embarrassed that he’s seeing this side of me, but at the same time I WANT him to see this side of me. I want him to see all the sides of me. The snarky, bitter Amy. The sweet, gushy Amy. The bat-shit crazy, needs a padded room Amy. The blathering, diarrhea of the mouth Amy. I don’t want to *hide* behind any pretenses and keep up a certain appearance just for a guy. With John, I was always on *best behavior*. He never saw me being a complete asshole fool doing retarded things. He saw the calm, collected, borrrrrrinnnggggg Amy. (That is until he wronged me, then bitchy, rip-you-a-new-one Amy came out with a vengeance).
After a wonderful night in which he wined and cheesed me (as well as bring a gift for my cat), he upped the ante and sent me a dozen roses at work. Amy = speechless. Jaw on the floor. Face blushing like crazy in front of co-workers. Vapors. Smelling salts needed. Yeah, that was me. Unbelievably generous, considerate, sweet. I was literally floating around the rest of the afternoon.
On my way home, I am on the bus sitting with them on my lap (I didn’t want to take the subway and have them crushed in the commute). I look down at the flowers and all of a sudden felt a crazy fast wave of panic and tears sprang to my eyes.
I had a panic/freak out because I am starting to feel real feelings for someone and it felt all-too-real and it completely scared the living shit out of me. The last time I let myself love someone, I wound up, well you all know the story, not good. I have no reason to be scared of this man. He’s only been amazing towards me. But I keep thinking that the proverbial “other shoe is going to drop” at some point. Then I will be crushed. OK, maybe not crushed, but definitely bruised up.
Before I left work I was talking on the phone with a friend. I mentioned the “other shoe dropping” bit. Like literally said that “I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.” She told me I’m being crazy. She saw the two of us together last week. Saw the way we looked at each other and smiled at each other and interacted. Then she sagely reminded me that I am just not used to guys treating me so well. When you’ve been crapped on for as long as I have by men, this one just seems too good to be true.
I read Jolene’s blog post on my way home and she mentioned “the other shoe” – holy crap. I’ve been following her story and it just felt like “wow, totally relate.”
When I first started blogging, I did a post on how as human beings, one of the great things is being able to love and be loved. I wrote that not too long after the CDB mess and I was hopeful that I would find love. Now that it’s growing in front of me, I’m more than a little terrified. I’m ready for love and all that. The CDB break-up was bad, but overall, it wasn’t that bad because we’d been down that road (twice) before and because this time it was so final. I want to feel love and let myself love without second guessing (probably not at all possible). Others have blogged about this feeling of “falling” for someone and the fear that comes with it. I, of course, was all “just let yourself fall!!!!” And now that it’s maybe me doing the falling, I’m scared. I’m not ready to back away from the edge, but dammit, I’m a little freaked out. Really, for the first time in my life, I’m terrified of falling for someone who has been treating me so well and saying the right things and acting the way I would want a man to act towards me.
This is why I need serious psychological help and/or meds. And this blog to get all my neurotic ramblings out there.