girlfriend or wife material?
I’ve often wondered this. Looking over the 20+ years (oh, it hurts to admit that!) I’ve been dating, am I girlfriend or wife material? What is it about a woman that makes a man see “girlfriend” or “wife” as opposed to just someone you casually date?
Is it the way she behaves? Certainly.
Is it the way she dresses? Maybe.
Is it her occupation? Depends if what she does for a living would be considered a felony.
Is it her intelligence? I hope a man appreciates this in any woman, whether wife or one night stand.
Is it her age? Possibly, if you are intent on only having children who are biologically both of yours.
Is it her race/ethnicity/religion? This is important for many people.
For much of my adult life, I have been single. Not in a serious relationship. Yes, I’ve dated many men, had many flings, and there have been guys I’ve seen multiple times. But only a few of them I would have actually considered “my boyfriend.” Is that weird?
What is *wrong* with me that guys don’t seem to want to stick around for the long run?
It’s generally not a huge problem for me to meet guys. Though it is getting harder the older I get. I realize that my looks are maturing (trying to be kind to myself and those in my age group). I’m no spring chicken at 35, but luckily look younger and take good care of myself. It’s also more difficult because I no longer hang out at your stereotypical meat market-type places, where excessive drinking and mingling is the norm.
I would assume that it’s my personality that turns men away. I will be the first to admit that I may come across as *hard* and *tough to get to know* when you first meet me. At work, I’ve had co-workers tell me that they were afraid of me for a long time, until they got to know me. I’m not overly eager to talk to near-strangers about all the details in my life. I won’t instantly let you into my life if I think that you may have the potential to hurt me, as a romantic relationship might.
My friends would dispute this point and say I’m warm and open and super-friendly. I’ve never had an issue making new friends. My friends and I are always welcoming new people to our group in a “no one is a stranger in our home” kind of way. As a group, yes. Me, as an individual, maybe not as much.
Perhaps, I’m halfway in between? A hard external shell and soft interior?
I think because it takes a little more time for me to let someone beyond my exterior, men think I’m aloof in regards to the relationship. I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve (not until after I really get to know you) and keep my poker face until I feel completely comfortable. But once I am sure and at ease, then I have no problem letting him know how I really feel and how I want to be with him. It takes a long time for the comfort level to build enough for me to take the wall down. I’m not pushy and demanding in my relationships. I don’t come on too strong. I might actually come across as too lax and indifferent (though I don’t think lightly of my relationships and regard them as nothing). I am very affectionate (hugging, touching) with all of those I care about. If I care about you, you’ll know it.
I’d love to be able to say it’s because men are intimidated by me, but really? No. I’d like to say that men are scared away because I am a very strong-willed woman, I have my own interests and life, I have a job and can take care of myself, I have opinions and am not afraid to let them known, I’m attractive enough to have somewhat of an ego. But are all of these turn-offs? No, not at all. That’s what most men want. So what is it that makes them leave?
There was a line in the movie, Someone Like You (yes, I’m quoting a chick flick, based on the book Animal Husbandry, which I think I read way back in the day), that Ashley Judd says in the midst of her heartbreak breakdown, “Because if this theory is wrong, men don’t leave all women, Eddie. They leave me.” This line resonated so completely with me that I felt that pang in my chest when I heard it. I feel this way so much of the time, even though I know I have been the one at times to walk away from a relationship.
I don’t know if I can change the way I open up to men, but I am certainly trying to. It’s not easy for me to let down my guard, even if it’s for the right reasons. It’s likely that I’m just too hard and difficult and cautious and *scary* to men. Or they are just repulsed by me.
“Wow, there’s the cynical bitch we know and love.” (another Someone Like You quote)