re-establishing my requirements

What are your priorities in seeking a potential mate?

Is your focus on looks?  Does power and wealth drive the attraction?  Is intelligence and a *beautiful mind* your #1 turn on?  Does compassion and altruism melt your heart?  Does passion for the arts rate above all?  Can someone win you over with wit and humor?  Can someone cook their way into your heart through your stomach?

I think we can all safely say “all of the above, please!”  And in a perfect world, we’d meet the person who possessed the qualities that meet all of these.  But a perfect world this is not.

Browsing through all of the online dating profiles, the same things pop up over and over.  Any mix of these is what you are presented with along with basic information such as gender, age, and location.

Just by reading the text in profiles, you’d think that we are all the same person.  We all like to try new restaurants, eat/drink good food and wine, spend time in parks, visit museums, travel the world, volunteer, learn new things, stay active, read, go to movies or the theater, give massages (this seems to be popular among the men, not sure about the ladies), hug, kiss, intimacy, yada yada yada (hopefully the lobster bisque is not the best part).

I admit that I’m no different.  I have all these same things in my profile.  How can we sort through all the hundreds of potential matches and weed them down to ones we like?  Well, then it boils down to the pictures.

Here comes my confession.  I know that I would like to believe that looks don’t matter, but how many times have I instantly rejected someone based on their looks?  A lot.  How many times have I clicked on a profile because the guy’s main profile pic showed a really good looking person?  A lot.  I guess I am shallow in that respect.

This whole looks thing has made me think on a number of occasions that I might be tossing aside a really great person, because I didn’t think they were good looking enough.  I know that I’ve certainly been rejected because someone didn’t like the way I looked.  And I’m a really great person, dammit!  You have to be able to take if you dish it, huh?

But in my defense and others who feel the same, looks help feed attraction which feeds the illustrious spark.  Can you get butterflies in your tummy if you don’t find the person attractive?  Can you picture kissing this person?  In all my years of dating, I can’t remember dating (I mean more than one date) someone who I didn’t find physically attractive upon first glance.  Not all of them were drop dead gorgeous.  But none of them were unattractive.  Some were actually quite hot and probably out of my league.  I’ve also dated attractive men and waited date after date for the spark to emerge and it never did.  It’s obvious to me that just because someone is attractive, there won’t necessarily be a spark.  Yet, I’ve still been so focused on looks. 

I recently received a Match email from a guy who winked at me awhile ago.  I disregarded the wink because I didn’t think he was that good looking in this main profile pic.  Truthfully, I am not even sure I clicked through to see his whole profile back then.  So, he’s now written me an email and it was a nice email.  He mentioned something in reference to my profile, so it wasn’t just that generic “hey, nice profile.  Let’s chat” type of note.  But I still haven’t clicked through to his profile.  Maybe he just chose the wrong pic to have as his main one and the other pics are better and more flattering?  I don’t know.  I suppose the next time I log on, I’ll check it out.  Who knows?  I might be pleasantly surprised by the pics and impressed by the written content.  Maybe it’s time to revise *my way* of thinking and give these guys a shot.  Now if only the hotties I’ve emailed would have the same change of heart 🙂



  1. firecracker3

    If nothing else becomes of your experiment you can at least say you tried and were open minded 🙂 Having done this, I felt better having given it a go!

  2. I was just thinking the same thing this morning! I hate to admit it, but I am prone to scanning the pics and then when one catches my eye, I read the profile content. I am thinking I should switch up my tactic and do the opposite. Well it can’t hurt to try, just as an experiment;)

  3. I admit it, I’m a horrible person. I HAVE to be attracted to the guy. I have on occasion dated less than drop dead gorgeous men, actually quite a few, but initially, most of the time, I like em hot. It’s not always just a physical look to them, it’s chemistry, in person that drew me to the less than gorgeous model types, and not having that online, makes me that much more shallow. Yes, power, money, all the typical male characteristics really turn me on. I don’t want a “sensitive” man, I want a manly man!

    Since I’m only looking for friends at this point in my life, I don’t really have any criteria of what I am looking for on my profile. I mean, we chat, if we get along, have great conversation, and have more in common that we’d be good to hang out and be friends, if not, well.. see ya. I’m still not going to be friends with some freakazoid though who doesn’t take care of themselves, it speaks for who they are as a person, which doesn’t speak to me.

  4. Well, ladies, I clicked and checked out the guy. Not impressed at all by his pics. What he wrote was very much like everyone else’s profiles. I want to think that I can be *blind* to appearances, but who am I kidding?

    V, I agree, the attraction (which is largely driven by looks) has to be there. Oh well. I guess I’m going to continue to swim in my mostly shallow (appearance standards) pond. There are some deep parts of that pond that comprise the interests, intelligence areas, but you have to get past the shallow to get to the deep, right?

    • I tend to be attracted to guys who are “in my league” or above. Mostly within my league. Why would you want to date someone who you are not attracted to? Shouldn’t feel bad about it. I think it’s only natural.

      I think it’s also important to recognize the fact that what is attractive to you may not be attractive to others. So while you may be clicking on a picture of a guy who is “hot”, 10 other women may have passed on him.

      In response to Vendetta, I don’t agree. Some people just weren’t born pretty. I’m one of them. Not that I’m ugly – but no amount of effort would get me into the “pretty” category (not without some major money anyway). I’m not being hard on myself, I’m just being real. Sometimes a hair cut, good clothes and less gut won’t help. There’s only so much you can do with the genes you’ve inherited. I am what I am and I look for someone who will appreciate that.

      • I don’t truly thing anyone is ugly naturally tomboy, I’m sure with correct styling, you are quite beautiful. People who are clean, healthy, and fit have inner beauty that shines through. Pretty is in the eye of the beholder, pretty doesn’t cost a lot of money, pretty is someone who takes care of themselves, pretty is the twinkle in someone’s eye with a beautiful soul and heart.

  5. Seriously, I’m a lot less likely to even give them a chance if they aren’t hot. I’m not sorry for it either. A guy can either work with what he has, most guys can be hot if they bother to try, or they can get bad hair cuts, wear bad clothes, get fat, and not take care of their skin and facial hair. Have a girlfriend vs. single. It’s up to them, I mean, I take care of myself, I just expect the same from the person I’m considering a relationship with.

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