choosing our paths in life

Once again, I found myself sitting in Central Park this past weekend with two of my single girlfriends (J and N), discussing relationships. When the single ladies get together, there really is no way to avoid this conversation.

The topic of children came up, as we are surrounded by pregnant friends or new-mother friends. Babies abound this summer! And we are thrilled for our pals and welcome our status as “Auntie”. But there is that feeling that we all feel, that we don’t necessarily want to admit to, of longing for our own family. The “why not me?” (dreaded) feeling. We don’t want to take away from all the happiness that our friends are experiencing with their new, growing families, but it can be difficult to temper the deep gutted feeling of wishing it were us.

In light of this on-going discussion between the single ladies and me, at one point I made the not-so-profound statement, “If all we wanted was marriage and a family, we could be married and have that family. We’ve all dated that guy or guys that liked us much more than we liked them. And if we had stayed with him, it probably would have led to marriage.” One of my friends was more skeptical, “Well, I don’t know. I’m not sure I’ve dated someone like that.” Is she nuts? Of course she has. We’ve all dated someone who was so much more into us than vice versa. Especially if you’ve been dating for 20 some odd years, as we have.

I stated my “we could be married” declaration for N for the first time on Saturday, and she whole-heartedly agreed. And with a laugh, added “…and divorced!” to it, because if we had married one of these guys that we were not so enamored with, it would be like settling and we might have wound up unhappy and looking to leave the relationship.

I’d like to believe that we’ve made the conscious decision NOT to be married at the present time, because we do not wish to settle. Our expectations aren’t sky high. We don’t expect Prince Charming. But we also don’t believe in settling. We all should make every effort to thoroughly vet our, hopefully, life long partners in crime. I very much do hope to find the perfect man for me and to be married and have my own family someday. But if “he” never comes along, well, I am happy enough with who I am to be able to live my life content and fulfilled.

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4 Comments

  1. This is exactly what I have been saying for years. I have had past boyfriends who have mentioned the “M” word (he actually said it that way) and that just made me want to run. He wasn’t for me. (We’re actually still Facebook friends and he is getting married to the girl he was with before he dated me – I was rebound girl.) But yeah, if I wanted to I’m sure I could’ve married him…but would I have been happy now? Who knows, but I knew it wasn’t right.

    But then there’s a friend of mine who’s father had an arranged marriage 40 years ago (in another country, obviously.) He keeps telling her to just pick someone because even if you don’t love them now, you will, time as “partners” does that. I can see how that would be true too.

    I don’t know, I like to think that my guy is out there, I’m just working on making myself the best person I can be, and hopefully he & I will meet someday when the time is right. Might be foolish and dreamy, but I am an eternal optimist. At least I’ll have had a good life up until I meet him. And if I never do, well, then I totally blame him. He took a wrong turn somewhere…dumbass.

    I like your blog. We think alike. 🙂

    • Yes, I do agree that we do share views on all of this dating/life/world crap that is flung our way. Finding all of these fabulous ladies on here going thru the same thing is both refreshing (you guys get it too!) but depressing (WHY are we going thru it???). Reading these blogs and “sharing” experiences is keeping me sane. Thank you, ladies!

  2. I started to agree with your friend… I never dated someone who liked me more than I liked him. Then I thought about it and you know what? I’ve been crushed a few times but over the years I’ve been the main one to do the dumping.

    I’m still trying to heal my heart from a break up to someone I thought I was going to marry. If marriage doesn’t come along, I sincerely hope someday I can have a positive attitude and like myself enough to be OK with being single.

  3. Just found your blog through A Girl In Search and I love it! I agree with her, that it’s comforting to read what others are going through and know that I’m not alone. You echo a lot of my thoughts!

    I blogged about the babies everywhere theme a few months ago.

    http://wwwsingleandbloggingit.blogspot.com/2010/05/feeling-bit-suffocated.html

    I still (most days) have hope that I haven’t “missed” the guy. I think we should have standards and we should feel excited about the guy. I’m sick of people telling me I’m too picky. Um, I’m sorry, I guess I’d like to actually LIKE whoever I’m with???

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