Sometimes life just takes a crap on you

Once upon a time, a girl met a boy. Boy liked girl, girl liked boy. All was well in this new budding relationship.

That was late 2007. Let’s get up to speed to 2010. For two and a half years, we were on and off. But in any event, we were more “on” than “off.” Our “on” times were Nov 07-Jun 08; Oct 08-Feb 09; Apr 09-Apr 10.

The entry below was taken straight from an email to my friends explaining the current situation.

So, to catch you up with the John situation (shit went down last week and came to head last night). Long story short, the last time I saw him was Easter weekend (early April). He really started to pull away in April (the reason will be revealed below). We almost saw each other my bday, he wanted to see me Sat night (not necessarily because it was my bday, but because he wanted some), but I was going out with my REAL friends. During May, we texted and emailed a few times. There was a text from him around May 17th (I wish I hadn’t deleted it) that said how sick of his work, job, PERSONAL LIFE he is. And that if he hadn’t been locked into the co-op he just bought, he’d leave NYC. Memorial Day weekend there were some benign texts back and forth about sailing. Then it was complete radio silence after Memorial Day. Mid-June I had decided in my head that it was over and that I’ve hit that point where I just can’t do it anymore (the spotty contact and wishy-washy-ness) and am DONE.

Here’s where it gets juicy…

Fast forward to Wed, July 7th and I’m home and bored and on the Internet. I decide to Google him, for some unknown reason. What pops up…. notice for a MARRIAGE LICENSE for “John D. R, 37, NYC, senior systems engineer and Ashley P, 28, NYC, lawyer”, the article was dated/published June 13th. I’m like WTF!!!!! So, I email the scum and ask him if it’s true and if so, he’s the biggest effing liar and disappointment I have ever met. And I asked him if this all went down before or after he f-d me that last time. I told him he better not ignore me and that I deserve an explanation.

Naturally, I text Mer. She and I Google the shit out of both of them trying to dig up info. I find out that they got married May 13th at the university where she went to school. Now if you note the date of the wedding, that occurred a mere 13 days after the mother effer wanted to sleep with me again!!!! Mer found some photos of her 10-year high school reunion of which they attended and were photographed together on June 19th. Thursday night I was out with J and C dissecting the whole situation. My initial thought, as were J’s, Mer’s and T’s (she was with Mer when she got the text from me) was that the new Mrs. R is preggers and it was a shotgun wedding. The wedding really came out of nowhere. Mer couldn’t find any registries and the wedding happened on a Thursday night, as if they couldn’t get a weekend in such short notice. Pair that with his text, which I now know came after the wedding, saying that he pretty much hated his life.

Thursday late late, I get two emails from the d-bag. The first is just talking about how many unopened email messages he has, as if I give a flying f about his inbox. He says “I will call you tomorrow”. Email #2 comes half hour later “Let’s chat tomorrow”. Chat, as if we are long lost friends about to have a nice pleasant chat. Asshat.

Friday comes and goes without a call. I email him and say “your reliability equals your trustworthiness. Both are equal to none. I still want answers.”

Saturday, I go down to the Jersey Shore with J and C. It was mostly to get away and distract me. I told K.  He was incredulous and told me to push for answers and get them by whatever means necessary.

Sunday night, I email John “I hope you know that the more time that goes by without an explanation, the exponentially angrier I get. I want answers and will get them one way or another.”

Monday morning, he responds “I will call you this evening, sorry for the delay.” I scared him making him think that I’ll go to the wife.

Now we come to Monday night (last night). He calls around 11:20PM. We “chat”, and by “chat” I mean rip him a new one, for 45 minutes.

A lot was said, mostly by me. He had very little to say in response cause he knew he was wrong and I was calling him out on it. The conversation was all over the place, but I tried to organize it below and group my rants and raves.

He got it out quick that “he was seeing this girl and she got pregnant and he decided he needed to man up and do the right thing and marry her.” He said that because of their families (very religious) marriage was the only option. I called him the biggest f-ing idiot on earth and that I thought he was smarter than that. That you don’t get married because someone is pregnant, you get married because you want to get married. And if their families have a problem, to grow a pair and stand up to them. They are adults and this is 2010, not 1940 and you don’t need to be married to have kids. I also questioned him on if he was so “religious” (what the eff ever, he didn’t go to church. His parents may be religious, but not him), then perhaps he shouldn’t have been f-ing two girls at the same time. Was that a very religious and morally sound thing to do??

I then laid into him about how he should have told me as soon as they decided to get married (April, I think) what was going on. It would have sucked, but not as much as it sucks now, after the fact and when I had to find out on my own accord. He should have “manned up” and told me a long time ago. He had plenty of opportunities and the fact that we were in contact and he never mentioned it shows that he never intended me to find out. I flat out asked him why he didn’t tell me and he didn’t have an answer other than “things were so crazy”.

Then I lay into him about the fact that he was seeing both of us at the same time. He said that they met a year ago. I’m sure she had no idea I existed, just as I had no idea whatsoever that she existed. He had his nice little set up going where he had two girls he was sleeping with. He said that he hadn’t considered either relationship “serious”. All the while he was with me (and I’m sure with her, too), he led me to believe that I was the only person. He told me he loved me. F-er. I called him out on that. I asked how he could tell me he loved me and still maintain both relationships. He, of course, had no answer. Then I said that if he didn’t love me, but told me he did, then he is a scum for using that line to get into my pants. Again, no response from him. I asked him how with a clear conscious could he do that to me? I told him that he should have been up front with the both of us that if he didn’t want a serious relationship and was dating another person, give us the option to leave or stay. No response (see a pattern? He had nothing to say in protest when he knew he was in the wrong). I asked him if he was in love with her. He didn’t answer right away. He mentioned something about how it’s about more than being in love for marriage and blah blah blah. I didn’t catch it cause I was still ranting.

I said “well, you got just what you always wanted. The marriage and family.” (of course with just a touch of sarcasm. A touch – haha). His reply “Do you think this is how I wanted it?”, “I’ve had many sleepless nights” (good, you deserve them), “Do you think this was the conversation I wanted to have with my parents?” (umm, perhaps then you should have kept it in your pants) He was already having “life issues” and seeing a therapist when the pregnancy went down. He seriously was an effing mess even before based on the late night conversations we’d had in Feb/March. I know that while he did want to have a family, he didn’t want his hand forced into it and he’s miserable now. That’s a small consolation to me, knowing this.

I told him that my entire opinion of who I thought he was is completely different and now I see him for what/who he really is and that he’s deceitful, needs to grow a pair, a liar. I said that I felt sorry for his wife because while I know the truth, she’s still oblivious to it all. That I’m the one who dodged the bullet in this scenario. (I talked to J last night at 1AM after the call and she said that the real victim is the kid. The kid is going to have parents that may or may not grow to love one another cause they were “forced” into a marriage. I agree, the poor kid.)

Toward the end of the call, he asked me what more did I want him to say. I asked him “Do you understand where I am coming from?”. Him: Yes. Me: No, do you UNDERSTAND where I am coming from? (in condescending tone, a la adult speaking down to a child.) Him: Yes, I heard you. Me: Hearing and understanding are two completely different things. Him: Yes, I understand you. Me: Good.

He did apologize sporadically during the call, most of which I rebutted with a “you are just sorry you got found out.” I told him that I hoped he could lay down his head tonight knowing how much he hurt and disappointed me. I’m sure he had another sleepless night. If he didn’t feel bad about himself and his life before the call, I sure as hell made sure he did ten-fold after.

I already told M that I really, really wish I could have recorded that phone call, cause it would be a great one to listen to when I’m feeling down, just as a little “pick me up”.

So, that is what went down. Bad side effect is that sleep has been elusive. Good side effect is lost appetite has led to 3 lbs lost.

I know now that I am much better off without him. It was a 2.5 year learning process, but its over. I know I deserve someone who will treat me WAY better than he treated me (outside of the first 3 months of our dating). And I deserve someone who will show me respect – he proved to me that he didn’t. I can now close that door and lock it and move on.

You can pick up your jaws off the floor now 🙂



  1. I’m really sorry to hear this. What a jerk. It’s impossible to know how people are capable of this kind of behavior, but you are right: you deserve to and will find someone better. Thanks for telling your story on the blog though. We’ve all had our share of heartbreaks and d-bags, and sometimes there is a certain level of shame associated with it – like I deserved it, I didn’t see it coming, I should have chosen better. So, often we don’t talk about it. But we should talk about it and tell eachother our stories – how else can we learn from eachother? And there is no shame. You were open, honest and he was a jerk. I say NEXT.
    And good job laying it into him 🙂

  2. Thanks, Catherine. I’m happy to say that I finally stopped obsessing over this whole situation. It’s still a great story to tell and I do so with flourish over a bottle of wine. But the anger has dissipated so much and while I do still think he’s the devil, I don’t hate him anymore. That means that any feelings (good or bad) are fading and soon he’ll just be someone who was there.


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