what to do now?
Some random updates:
- I’ve resumed eating. I don’t eat a lot, but I get hungry and eat.
- So, this was a search term that brought someone to my blog today…twice! “i don’t have a drinking problem. i drink, i get drunk, i fall down, no problem”
- For the first time ever, I started a race and didn’t finish on Sunday. It sucked. I really hated that I pulled out of it after just one mile. I just didn’t have the physical energy to do it (nor the mental energy either).
And here’s the biggie…
- I spent 12 hours with St. Elmo last night…into this morning (don’t judge).
- We met to talk. Yes, believe it or not, there was more to talk about.
- Mostly it was him realizing what a big ol’ schmuck he’d been and how he fucked up what we had.
- He apologized.
- He ‘fessed up to his wrong doings.
- He admitted to freaking out because of where the relationship could go and was heading.
- He verified everything that I knew to be true (regarding non-existent feelings for his Ex, his feelings toward me, his feelings towards wanting kids, his fears, his insecurities).
- Big, heavy topics aside, we had a really nice time with fun or deep conversation. That was what I missed. Those awesome, easy, sometimes intellectual moments with him.
- I’ve told him I’ve been blogging about it all. I told him that all of my blog friends crucified him on here.
- We aren’t sure where we stand and where we go from here.
- He knows that he inflicted a lot of damage and hurt me.
- I know I said some pretty mean things back to him.
- But, the love is still there and hard to ignore…